Mania

Awesome title yea? Says it all. I'm losing my mind sooner or later. Not just mind, control of emotions, actions, probably everything.

Homework piles up. Fucked. Hormonal rages. Even more fucked. Heck, why do I bother listing, when probably every single thing is fucked. Yep. I don't know anything, I don't understand anything, I can't do anything, everything I do is wrong, well, why am I listing again? Everything.

Now it feels like a mixed episode of bipolar disorder, which is kinda like when my emotions get wasted and cannot differentiate the feeling of sorrow and highness. So together, pretty bad shit happens eh. Yea not just shit happening. I can't judge things right. The few great moments in life I deem as shit as well. Very terrible effects from all this. Yup.

I used to be able to rant out craploads of words with beautiful vocabulary in them. Now life just sucks so bad I can't write anything.

Why?

Depressed, depressed, depressed. Sigh. Why? IDK either. Life is awesome.

I have lots of theories. They are applied to life. Applicable to anyone's life. I can't seem to apply them to my life. Meaning I myself haven't come to terms with them. And here I am, trying to teach others how to understand them. The epic failure I am.

I find myself failing in the same ways I used to. Acting as if I know it all. Insult people unintentionally. Violent tendencies. Unable to communicate. And a whole list of other bollocks. All because I had too much energy at those times.

Then? Well there has to be more for life to suck. Magnifying every single flaw in me, thus making myself feel inferior. Having the most negative thoughts from everything. Taking situations too seriously. All because I was too sad at those times.

This? Well, these are somewhat symptoms of Bipolar II Disorder. Low chance of getting it, but being me =/ I worry too much.

Females. Darn. Make life so hard. Come and go one after another. Each one taking a huge chunk out of me, wasting so much time and energy which could have been put to better use. A world with females suck. Then again, a world WITHOUT females would still suck. Weird......

Weirdness

Crashed Jim's place today. Sexy. The whole day, basically sitting there and slacking. Some talk, some sing, some of everything I guess. Everything, except bridge. RAWR. All that slacking, well, really helped pass time?

Met Audrey for the first time :) Complicated person, but then again, who isn't? Brings many new opportunities. No one should know what I'm talking about now. Sad life. WHICH REMINDS ME......

I have to do a rant. Notice how I say "have to". Its getting way out of hand. I know, I have a brain better than normal (not boasting, just......). My thoughts, words, all more complicated. Something to be glad for eh? How to be happy when no one can comprehend your words? Thanks to Kelly (no sarcasm, really, thanks), the only one honest enough to outright tell me she couldn't understand me. I thought she had some problems with language, so I didn't bother, but then I noticed the body language of those around me. They all told me the same thing. "Don't understand". I have the better brain, I don't go boast like an asshole, I use it. I complete my work with minimal time usage and effort. People reckon me for an asshole...... Trying to teach others? People reckon me for an asshole again...... Why. The fuck. Wanting me to "stoop to their level of intelligence" takes it toll on my brain (somehow, lol). Yea, I actually have to THINK before I say. Then when I look flustered or hesitant thinking of what to say, guess what. PEOPLE RECKON ME FOR AN ASSHOLE. I do loads to help others with their problems, in life, and that has became a problem in my life. No one understands the advice I give, so why bother teaching...... BECAUSE I HAVE A THIRST TO. Being reckoned as an asshole, bad enough. Not able to satisfy a thirst, worse. No one understands, worst.

Never thought I had to post these words here. F.M.L.

Random

Alright, I'm not posting how I feel. (Actually, IDK how I feel lol) So this will be just me blurting out random thoughts, due to the recent extreme changes in moods which messed me up bad. This post shall be random gibberish from my mind which would be reasonably feasible.

Main cause of all sadness: Not happy enough. THERE. I SAID IT. LOL. I damn happy you all say I sad should cheer up more, good lor. Cannot get any happier to reach your expectations, so what happen? Really become sad lor. Epic joke and realisation last night :P

Period of extreme boredom, followed by extreme fun, then total boredom again. Yearn for fun is so great that I do retarded stuff (like sending flame mail to people who didn't deserve it :X) Then too retarded I feel sorry for what I did. Sadded.

Always when I realise some great truth, I always question it so deeply that it doesn't seem so true after all. Weird.

Negative Aura

The worst of the worst, "he" came out when I was not expecting him at all. Damaged the shit out of me, and again, I feel lost.

Stuck at home to idle. Thoughts bounced all over. Somehow, to all that I never wanted to know, or rather, remember. All down to one point. Him. So sad, I had to run, and now, even the run went wrong. Full of anger, self resent, self despise, inferiority, basically, full of all the shit in the past that I fought off one by one in the past. I knew they would be back, but not all at once, gee......

Lost is a better word to describe actually. This feeling is so...... mixed.

Phailed

Half the battle lost from the start lol. Caught me by suprise (seems like every week something does). Feeling is damn weird (it always is).

First off, broken bed fixed! More badass than when I first bought it lol. But I already got used to sleeping on the floor then you tell me to come up. FML.

Then, e-maths tuition. Thats where half the battle was lost :P Seating changed, you can more or less tell what happened. Distances, angles and influences. Did feel better about myself, though "he" came out again :x Still suppressed him :D It feels great to be wanting to give up, even though I've not given up. The feeling of leaving class 5 minutes early and saying "bite my dust" is like no other :D A part of me did feel sad, but with such an epic punch-line, who really cares? That unexplained feeling is still there, but feels better :D

Itching to buy Yu-Gi-Oh again lol. Probably tomorrow :)

What tomorrow brings......

Lets see, previous post, I didn't look so good eh? Now? Much better :D Lets give a nice summary about all this.

The thing that sticks to my mind, well, SBM! Yea, I joined the SMB, went to my first sharing session! (Which was also their last for the year lol) If only I found that place like 2 years earlier. Everything there is wonderful, apart from the awkwardness, but that is inevitable, and will pass anyway :D The Sigalovada Sutta, thought simple, well, anything that processes through my brain becomes hard :P Opened me to many new insights, and even helped me help a few others :D The few days after the session, I felt happier, without much reason lol. Meditations, chantings and offerings I guess :D Just too bad I couldn't join them for camp......

And who knew my dad had so many treasures to share. The book of Zen, opened me to some insight to Buddhism, but lots to psychology :D I did dismiss some problems thanks to it. Loads more philosophy, and an olden Chinese language dictionary. So much knowledge, left hidden :O

Walking with dinosaurs, well, something new, but kinda boring lol. Then after got real angry, but managed to catch myself and ask why. Appeased my anger by myself, and not by letting in, thank you! Felt damn proud of myself. Then it was endless shopping (nothing worth buying lol) then dinner at Akashabu! Previous time was awesome, I remember eating really happily, this time nothing special =/ Wonder why.

Hehe, and tomorrow is WEDNESDAY! E-maths tuition, time to put my new mentality to the test :P What happens? No one knows yet. Wether I fall deeper into infatuation, or block out those implausible thoughts, :P LET THERE BE SELF TRIUMPH!

Not really well......

Yeap. Plan to turn situation around? Turned it 360º. Back to square 1. Actually even before. That feeling of being lost in life has come back, for now I am truly lost.

I put my trust in you. That's all you need to know. You actually knew, yet you disregarded it. You made me have a negative feeling in myself, and you knew you did. The problem? You didn't know what that feeling was...... You thought you were conjuring fear I guess. You thought wrong. Really wrong. What had sparked in me, was a fit of anger I never knew before. You don't know this. Your knowledge, so thin, shall be your downfall. Your disability to read others, will put you in an extremely disadvantageous position. I yearn for your blood to spill by my hand, but that would land me in lots of trouble, and, it would spill 10 fold anyway, in a place you strongly believe in......

You, well, it was never your fault. In fact, I believe you were helping me unknowingly. But the success rate of your assistance was only half, and you led me to worse trouble. Still, it is not your fault, and I shall never blame you for it. You gave off so much energy, and I was attracted, yet, there was some barrier that would separate me from you. As time passed, haha, your energies grew stronger, and I find myself helplessly banging into the barrier. Well, I wish you all the best anyway......

My other blog, I posted about best friends, and true friends. It is really hard to tell. In fact, they are never forever true, or maybe even never were true. Previously, I had identified 2, but 1 has proven me wrong, which led to me doubting the other. In short? I have no one left. The most confusing time in my life, where I am truly lost, to the point of not even knowing what I'm feeling, and I realise I have no one. I used to laugh at my life for being such a comedy, but its no longer funny. My life is comprised of false joy and pre-destined sorrow. Yet, I don't resign to fate, which makes my existence even worse.

Anyone who even sees this, please......

I stumble then I crawl......

He never left me. And he probably never will. He didn't kill me, made me stronger, and I cast him away. The problem? I didn't kill him, and he came back stronger. Forever, we suffer together...... If you don't know who he is yet, well, he's the side of me which feels inferior. Felt great when he was gone but now he's back...... With all that shit happening? No doubt it gave him strength to return.

Freaking idle holidays, nothing to do at all. Tuesday, went out with Kelly, oh yea :) She already looked quite amazing to me, only I never had the guts to approach her. Then lady luck shone when I realised she had followed Ms Chan's class, and even better, the 2 of us were going to the movies :D Tuesday evening was awesome as heaven, and after talking to her, gosh, I don't even care how she looks like anymore! A nice girl, even nicer than me lol. Definitely had to become friends, or perhaps, closer......

Then luck took a steep plunge on Wednesday. She ignored my text, and I didn't know why, but he told me I wasn't good enough, and I believed him...... I remembered tuition time wrongly. Did not go at all. Really looked forward to initiating the conversation with her myself. Then I began to blame myself, and he grew stronger...... Its pretty much an obsession now, and you know about obsessions and me...... Blame, blame, blame. Joined the later class, which was, slower. Got bored to the bone there, which made me blame myself even more. But, with a few good friends and a text or 2, a heart mended when it was broken.

Thursday (today) PSLE results came out. In other words, it was ALL HELL BREAK LOOSE. Took lots of effort to calm myself the night before, and took all the grades quite well, ignoring my past. My sister scored an epic 261+2, and I tried to keep all thoughts to myself, lest I spoil her mood. My heart went out to my cousin, who cried with all he had, just like I did...... All was well. Then my sister had to act like a bitch...... Then he came in again, telling me she laughs at me for being dumb, and things got ugly......

Worst thing, last time he brought sorrow, now he brings a mix of sorrow and rage. Harder to fight off, but I will......

Long time no see

Sure has been a long time. No idea where I left off, so I shall just say what's on my mind. Firstly, the exam I thought I screwed, I owned. Lol. Most epic, expected low C for E-Maths, come out, high A1 :D Though still disappointed with humanities...... But never mind, just enjoy life :)

Omegle just gets more interesting. I've met many new friends there! Devid, Arianna, 강다휘 , and some German girl (still don't know her name). Good have been coming from this.

Sec 3 camp. Leave it to you all to flame for me in comments. Enough said. And for those non-Sec 3 Marists, basically, it sucked, bad.

Chinese 'O', haha, joke. I'm not even worrying, let alone studying. Time to see who the mugging dogs are......

Loving life more. Not always happy, yet never totally sad :D

Humbled

Start of E-Maths tuition! Completely not what I expected. Well, could recognise most of the class anyway. One of them, I remember today. Start of the paper, totally screwed. All basics, gone :D Then she did them all with almost no difficulty...... She goes by the name of Kelly, she remembers all (maybe just most) of what she learnt, and uses them properly. Until towards the end when all the equation stuff came out (Marists own at equations), I sat there, struggling. And then four words hit me. Hard in the face. Shall not write out :P The realisation of how I screwed with my thinking, and forsook one of my values, humility.

Another thing I discovered, I get really, REALLY screwed emotionally when I can't do math questions I am expected to be able to do. Seriously screwed. I think some have seen it in school, but today, it was at its worst. Still, today I had the best control over it :o I kept it in me, AND IT FREAKING THRASHED AROUND IN MY HEAD. WIN. Shall call it Doubt Rage.

And also, since Ms Chan STILL has not started on my circles, and Ms Yoon can't teach for nuts, I decided to consult Heymath, and you know what? Its better than Yoon. Seriously. Since I never had E-maths tuition, I myself was already very unsure about circles. Listening to her, causes many occurrences of BHD (Bang Head Syndrome), my Doubt Rage, a hell lot of Inferiority Complex, and even a very mild Schizophrenia I suspect (fuck that). Caused me to resort to self harm, self hatred, and made me distort the truth from lies (which I still do GARH).

Stress build up has caused me to act differently from my old self, and I feel much better in some aspects. Though I have a bad feeling it comes with negative effects......

Epic change

You can certainly see a drastic change in me now. Much happier, much sadder. But, at the cost? Which was better......

Academics. Its like I don't give a fuck anymore. I wonder why. Sudden change of heart. "Education is number 1, must own primary school friends, must graduate PhD" Now its "Screw it la, never mind one, I can still do things." I never de-prove for SA2 I happy already. But, being me, I think the worst of everything, and I can tell, it pisses some off. A lot of people have woken up to reality, still not me......

New circle of friends, new way to look at life. Huge boost to morale and confidence, but consequences? See above. Not sure what to do now......

A letter

I'm Jun Teck, a boy from Singapore, 15 this year. Life isn't going too

smoothly for me, nor my peers. That seems normal, but, what I face is

somewhat different from them. They all seem so caught up with academics

that they don't really see the big picture, which is how I see things. (I think?)

Academics are a problem. My friends seem to be working hard just to please

their parents, but I do so to improve myself. I always have been the top few

in class, and everyone says I'm doing well, but I always feel I am not. Especially

since I saw much potential in my earlier years, I always challenged myself to get

better. However, I constantly beat myself up at the fact that I am not doing as

well as I should be, and I am aware of that, but I just won't stop.

One problem leads to others though. My friends have been calling me a hypocrite,

a bastard, trying to make them feel bad about their grades. As such, they drift

further and further away, and I am slowly finding myself alone. I look for new

friends, but they all seem to have a dislike towards me. Even my family, facing

problem after problem, seem to hate me. I barely have anyone to talk to now.

Well, its good to know I have you guys now :)

These few days, I think to myself, what will I do with my life. Then I see that

there is nothing much I can do, so I went to look for my purpose. The search

got more and more frustrating, and I feel a sense of helplessness simply

overwhelming me.

This was a letter I wrote to a great guy named Vishen, creater of an awesome group to help others with personal growth. This is the first time I compiled so many thoughts into one writing :P

AND HOMEWORK ARGH. HAVENT STARTED EVEN NOW.

Assistance

Another life truth. Another enlightenment. Another step to victory.

Through my life so far, I've rendered assistance to many. Many undeserving. Few potentials. And many more remain unknown. I was thinking why I help those who harm me, even though they don't see my effort. Today, it struck me. Those that I enjoyed helping, really needed the help, and appreciated it. Those whom I didn't, kind of treated me like shit until they needed help, and some don't even take it seriously. Now I know, I will judge who I want to help. I realised this, seeing a familiar face today :) Though I never really helped her before, seeing her sitting there, doing work, and with a smile, makes me wanna try to help anyway (maybe I'm wrong, don't know what she may be thinking but hey, intuition). Through her, I had this, "epiphany".

Flow of Thoughts

Fine. Fine. Everyone did me wrong, but its nobody's fault. I agree, so the only person I can blame, is myself, for taking others so serious. I just want to live seriously, with just a small bit of fun, when everyone just takes it as a joke. When I'm serious, everyone is fooling around, screwing with my plan. When I'm having my little bit of fun, everything starts to get serious, and its all my fault when something goes wrong. Perhaps it is, perhaps its not. Regardless, things go the opposite of how I expect them to go. Seems like the higher entity is making a mockery out of me. The restraints of laws leave me unable to show my extreme emotions, the violent intent, the lustful urges, the thieving instincts, all kept under the face I show to every single person, tricking their simple minds I am satisfied with life. Well, blessed is the mind too small for doubt. They take what they see, and don't have to worry about it. My mind is full of doubt. All thanks to that vivid imagination I have. Able to think, beyond a lot of people. Best friends can see something I wrong, while others believe the fake smile. I fake smiles. Sometimes I show that something is wrong. But no one can read through the smile. I cried for nights, wondering why I don't have a best friend, and then it struck me. I didn't need one. Neither did I really need my friends, subordinates, family. As I lived my life, I simply took what I needed from them. No one will care for you. I cried over that too. Then I realised, since no one cared for me, I had to care for myself. With no care, there is no one to care back. I used to sacrifice a lot from myself, hoping that people would appreciate it. Then I realised, no one would, no matter how it benefitted them, so I limited myself. Life is like a war, you fight for yourself, and sometimes you get allies called friends, but no alliance lasts forever. Also, all warfare is deception. A thousand more thoughts flow through me, but I shall not post, lest you know too much about me, and use it against me...

Don't know what to say......

So nobody comes here anymore. Nonetheless, I will still use it to keep track of my life.

A whole lot of things are messing with my life now. I roughly know what, but not exactly what, so I can't do what I used to do and attack the root of the problem. What I feel...... Is that age old enemy of mine. Helplessness. Now its coming on me harder than it ever did, and I feel helpless just not knowing what my problems exactly are.

There is an issue with social life, an issue with achieving goals, an issue with self-confidence, an issue with self worth, and an issue with character. Thats what I know. All this coming in to just one point in my life. What do you expect? I hide them all, to cover my weaknesses, and now, they just pour out. The harder I fight, the harder it resists.

I am no longer afraid to say this. I cry almost every night, I punch anything I can get my hands on, I slap myself, and now, I start knocking my head. This is not a matter of usefulness or not, it just comes. I feel myself, thinking unthinkable thoughts, thoughts I never thought I would have. Selfish, cruel, and even evil. I am no longer afraid to list them out too. I've had thoughts of, okay, maybe I still don't dare list them out online. Its just so hard......

For your info, I've been fighting with everything I have so far. It doesn't solve it, but it does help. A little. I used to thrive on the encouragements of many others but then, I realised the horrific truth. No one is 100% your ally. You have to rely on yourself to judge what is right and what is wrong. Help others only when you get the most you can. Help only those who will genuinely accept it. Make sure you helping them will not do yourself harm. Life is like a war. Everyone fights to best each other, and temporary allies will form. Sun Tzu: "All warfare is deception." How true......

I've had a few sleepless nights over all these matters, more lethargic days, and even more mental tire. In my mind, the good are having a war with the bad. Prolonged war does not benefit anyone, so it must stop soon. Losing focus, quality of work, and even to the extent, my grip on reality. It must stop. All the morally wrong thoughts should be expelled, lest I harm any of those I truly care for. My mind must be clear of doubt, thought cleansed of filth. I don't know exactly how, but I will......

Weakness......

Weak, useless, wastrel. Thats me. Everything I did so far, showed nothing but weakness. Total disappointment.

I ranted a lot on how I was helpless at doing things, and now, I find myself helpless at controlling myself. Thoughts take over my mind so easily...... Screws with reality. Pushes me to go against my morals...... Any idea how much pain that is?

I think of indulgence, but who doesn't? I have always told myself to let others let me down then let others down. Now, I find myself thinking of indulging while others suffer fates worse than death. Worse still, they are loved ones. How selfish have I become......

School value of respect. Did everything I could to show it. Then, everyone comes and tell me I never gave any. Even better? I don't think I even received any from the start. Yet I want to give so much of it......

SPACE MARINES! Well, just fuck off and die. Clouded my mind with so many unclean thoughts, screws with my sense of reality. Mind fucked a whole lot by this, and even now, I can't stop thinking of it......

My good friends, always there for me, always knowing what to do to cheer me up, zero. I have seen a lot of the truth now, and can tell even more. Living the unwanted life of solitude. Trying hard to find some replacement, but it seems that it is wasted effort.

NCC. Woosh. Denied a leadership position. Got a job at least, but its only a title for show. No one needed me at all. Best part, I don't just fail at my job, I fail as a cadet. Juniors outdo me......

Academics took a serious turn for the worse. Compared to the past, it never was good enough. And now its worse. This exam, I put in the most effort, yet did the worst in many months......

The school seems to be constantly thinking of new ways to screw with the class chairmen. Every week, I seem to get into shit which is hardly my problem. No authority, no recognition, who the hell would want to work on......

Recalling my past glory, I think to myself. Why......

Now?

So far, life has been, well, I don't know what to say either. Writing according to what comes first into my mind.

Chum Kiu. Just 1 word. Sex. Form itself looks cool, (well, Siu Nim Tau was also cool at the start :P), applications were wicked, and complimenting it, CHI SAU :D All together, FUN. I feel the power of Wing Chun finally, and it isn't even its full power :P

Malaysian relatives came over. Life is great with them generally. Got to eat lots off free food, get closer to relatives, especially 大舅's side. Damn, I never knew I had such old cousins. Or at least I long forgotten. Whatever. Screwed up part, wake up freaking early every morning, and an uncle who seems mentally unsound. Then there's always the testosterone......

Common test 2. WHEE. Screwed everything. People say I am freaking good just because I passed everything. I can't tell them I'm no good or get whacked, and I can't boast to them because of my previous friends. FML......

NCC seems to be going quite ok, especially since I, well, some things are better not said. Sirs can't be bothered to GL me, I can barely get punished for doing anything wrong. After all, I barely do anything :)

So, how do you describe it? Up to you......

Yea...

Haven't been here for quite some time. Been smoothing sailing. Till now......

Yea. I was first in class last term. Yay? I don't think so...... I'd say, it was pure luck. I more or less accepted the fact I'm not smart, which means I shouldn't have been first in class. First in class should go to a closet mugger, maybe Wilson? Not me...... So this term, people got high expectations of me, and since I did not even deserve first, those expectations, WAY too high. Also, pride chews in, making me want to fulfill all expectations of others. Screwed pride......

Yea. I have accepted the fact that I'm not smart. But surrounded by smart asses from the past? Gosh, I was among them then! Dropping till this state...... Speechless. Screwed with pride the most.

Yea. Smart asses from the past, dumb people from the present. Not just dumb people, people with attitudes so shitty they make me think deeply. If one doesn't mug, he/she must at least learn at any pace. They? They don't even want to learn. Absolutely not like a student. And this is but one kind of people who irritate me. The next kind, disgusts me. The freaking immature, freaking selfish, freaking ignorant. I know 2 people (so far, I'm sure there are more), all 3 combined. Every time see me point out he is better? Well, I don't get pissed. I laugh. Same number of subjects, just marginally better than me...... Go 3A laugh at me, well I got nothing to say. But now ar, you watch it...... CCA? Term 2, "Screw you la, you sure you can PS? Can even medic or not... You know they go run you must follow one leh......" I simply smiled. Term 3, look who's boss and who's subordinate...... And he doesn't even know why......

So in short, I don't really belong anywhere...... That feeling sucks......

Mixed feelings...

Does anyone still come here? Well, doesn't matter, I'll keep this up. My days have been messed. Things don't go as planned.

What was meant to be purely motivational seems to have gotten further. Better than the previous though, and I am still motivated, so should be okay.

Why be class CM? Why be S2? Why even work hard? Few people can see what I am doing, and even fewer can appreciate it. Just wasting my time here......

Long weekend, slacked 2 days away, 2 more for homework. Lots of homework. 7 maths homework :D 3 English conversations :D 2 Chinese compo :D Probably gonna ignore Chinese and give poor maths homework.

Spending most of my time on something that has a high chance of no yield. But its that feeling while doing it that makes it worth it, though the realisation of no achievement will probably suck.

Off to my insane homework......

So far...

Not good. At all.

Epic selfish, I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO GET THAT JOB. Though its not a strong objection, its just a matter of preference. More reasons than one......

Camp is fucked. Thats all I want to say. Want know more find me.

No time for so many tests. Doomed to fail...

Changes

Change is largely unpredictable. It can be for better or for worse. I'm not really liking the changes now......

Sister didn't get DSA approval. Damn sadded. Can't even bear to see the way she drowns herself in too much studies. It will just ruin her, in a different way from which I was ruined, but on the same thing......

Dad getting a job. Sounds great initially but, as more info was revealed, I didn't like it. At all. Firstly, he is going to work irregular hours for a not so reasonable amount of pay (to me). Secondly, it is in an environment he is DEFINITELY not suited for. And I'm not even sure how bad it is...... Lastly (selfish reasons), he won't send me to school anymore.

Changes in family, changes in friends too...... All becoming outstanding in what they do, and I, though truly happy for MOST OF them, am not really becoming better at all. One becomes more duty oriented, one excels in his skills, one growing into a fine gentleman (under my guidance :D), one a hardworking scholar, and one, a she, is everything they are...... (except the gentleman part)

Duties are important. But he devotes so much into his duties, he becomes less interact-able...... Perfectly normal, but selfishly, I don't like it......

When one excels in a certain skill, it is only because one has gone through long harsh hours of training till perfection. Also, nothing much to say, just a little jealousy maybe? Anyway, all I can do now is just work on my own skill.

From a retard into a gentleman, is one of the greatest changes that could occur in a man. I guided him along the way, but I myself do not feel I am doing well in this aspect......

And her, well, its a new one, gotten with the intention of pure motivation. Sadly, that does not seem to be the case anymore...... Her ravishing beauty and voice oh so soothing to my mind have mesmerized me, making me break away from my intentions. As with the previous, this one is also kind of "unattainable", but at least she really does push me to do better. Wait till the heartbreak part, its will just be the same pain again...... Also, to maintain this "good feeling", I have to do odd things that hurt me as well......

One more person I did not list down just now. This one is special. He himself, had a grand change in his life, but now, in my honest opinion, he neglects his other things, one of which being me. Being the nice and honest (and also gullible and trusting zzzzzz) person I am, I will just have to believe he is just still trying to adapt and give him time...... But how long? A week? A month? A year? But if I was wrong from the start......

Oh man, whataya want from me?

Now what?

Times have changed. Again. Similar, though not the same, are the problems I face now. Plus, positive mindset is "slightly" affected by some other things. Whee.

Things work out in very funny ways. Very funny......

Though today, I was greatly humbled. One a scholar, one a sports man. Then what am I......

I always seem to go for the impossible. Why do I...... Make the best out of what you have in life? I don't even seem to have anything to make the best of......

Lost......

Lots have changed since the previous blog post...... and for the worse. I, or rather, we, believed we were dead. But now, we value each other more than our mortality (I suppose we do, and I would wish to, but somehow, I just can't make that promise...... Just too weak......).

Backstab is a real pain in the ass. Especially when you trusted someone so much...... But you never know how the opposite party truly feels. He might just be worse off than you......

In dangerous moments when you ever know what the next move would take you to, you heart never stops beating......

1st day, new beginning

First day of school (as a happy kid XD). Kinda ok.

Started off in the morning with horrid songs on 987FM but then, at ATS bus-stop, saw a familiar face...... and she noticed me to ^^. Usually whatever happens in the morning on my way to school hints me on how the rest of the day will be like, and that gave a small sign of hope.

Then the actual school, not as bad as expected :P EL worksheets were under table, right where I left them. School now sells pandan cake, best thing there, BUT FREAKING EXPENSIVE D: Kinda slack day today :)

Still kinda sucks though, but never mind, we start off slow. Today was so slack that I did not even learn anything. Seriously. Except "Sum of E.M.F. = Sum of total P.D." Mass was, well, I think most of you understand me anyway. Kind of wasted my day......

At least now, there is something to look forward to everyday! (almost everyday......)

Monday: SLACCCKK!

Tuesday: P.E.

Wednesday: Sometimes look forward to training

Thursday: Every alternate got chemistry tuition (although starting to hate it now......)

Friday: Same as with training......

Saturday: HCL tuition was not bad, now its better :D

Sunday: Obviously Wing Chun (and now with Andre) and probably biology tuition as well

Joke.

Funny things happened since I started being happier. With the notable, improvements in life (which I believe are purely coincidental) and giving up on the past, I now face a new problem :O.

What is it? Well, being so happy loosened me up so much that I don't even feel like doing work :P Screwing CA2 SPA, bad, not doing my duties properly, worse. Mrs Yeo gave me worksheet for class to do in her absence tomorrow. So where is the worksheet? I don't really know either XD. 3E can now rejoice at my sorrow......

I now believe a fondness is now evolving into a light crush. Bad...... Must take preventive measures. Any tips? Haven't got her contacts yet. Should I in the first place?

Opposing that, I just saw the worst thing ever in A-Math tuition yesterday :( Can you imagine, a girl wearing a translucent shirt? Any guys fantasizing now? WELL DON'T. I'LL TELL YOU WHY. Its a fat fugly bitch, wearing a bra so tight that it squeezes her fats into it, and I could actually see that. First thing come to class I shiver already, making some disgusted expressions once in awhile. Later I noticed what bottom she had. She probably squeezed her fat thighs into a small pair of shorts...... Sick......

Change. For the better?

Awesome, I'm feeling better than ever! (or better than I could ever remembered) Change in views, more free, all thanks to someone totally unexpected...... TSETSE FLY! XD

Tsetse sent me an e-card, attached to it was a video:

So, why aim for the best? Thing that struck me: "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything." All this time, I've been fighting for Staff rank, RI, HCL, Pure Chemistry etc. If, I can't get them, then get make do with what you can get. (Though I would still really want the Staff rank :P)

Same theory, I can't get love out of ____. So what? I'll just be grateful there was even a friendship between us and treasure it. I can't get RI, so I'll make do with the things MSHS can give me but RI can't. (Though RI could really give me much more D:) I can't get pure chemistry, but still, combined chemistry isn't THAT bad (is it?), and I can still get to enjoy combined biology :D

Things that lightened me up, well, there are quite a few. Firstly, TSETSE. Enough said bout that fly, I have other friends too :D All stood by me in my darkest times (except one who led me the wrong way D:< ) HCL tuition, from the lonely me, into a class of 2 with a new nice girl :D (AND ITS NOT A CRUSH. Seriously, what is wrong with you people) Change of songs played a huge part too :D Thank you youtube, for your somewhat copyright infringing selection of songs.

I still question my existence, but who cares? Don't need my for my specialties? Well, thats your problem, I'm now more free. As time goes by, the question will be answered. Until then, I can cry my eyes out in hopes of it coming sooner, or I can make the best out of what I have.

Why I play myself this way......

"Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown will eventually break down" I myself am near my breaking point. Day by day, I gradually lose control of myself. Why do I always have to start off great then everything ends horribly......

One occurrence was PSLE...... Past 3 terms I did so well...... Then the real thing came and I fucked up. Bad. RI was a dream, MSHS was the hurtful reality...... BULL. Everyone else (mostly everyone else) went to some great place, NYGH, HCI, RGS. All due to my shitty destiny. Inferiority can limit you so much......

I was born to fuck everything up I tell you...... 2nd time was streaming. I did not even aim triple science. I saw the criteria for double science. I easily meet the criteria. I continued to work hard. And it paid off. With more crap. Did not even make it to 1 Science. At least, they gave me a chance, in fact, 2 chances, one to take a pure science and one to upgrade to two sciences. I screwed up the latter (all due to my own crap) and it didn't even matter for fuck that I got 3rd in class then. Criteria fail? Humanities...... Get to that later.

Now, I find myself in 3 Edward. Kind of loving it here, but it just adds up to all the shit I have in my mind...... CHAIRMAN XD Sounds nice? Well, its just a title, and I mean it. Basically, I do stuff people don't want to. Its like a councilor only shittier. My authority is for fuck, and stuff I do, waste of time. Really, really, REALLY wanted to resign, like some have told me, but what others said, I was probably the only one in class who could take the shit. Which brings me back to the topic of living to be nothing but a piece of shit......

Catching up with the grades in the past is hard shit now. 1st in class? In my mind, I keep telling myself its nothing. When 3E finds out? Not so nice sounding words come out. I have stress making me become better and stress making me become more like the crowd. Now THAT is stress......

Head S2. Sounds nice again eh? Same deal. Just sounds nice. Training, all I do is carry the kit and look after slackers. No one even listens to me when some serious shit happens. They want to do things themselves. Which once again bring me to the point of why am I here? All the SM, PS, or whatever just want the name then they do all shit? S2 is just made to make the unit sound complete?

Why even bother improving myself now...... You asses would just continue to surpass me anyway......

Realisation

Not bad. Realised some serious shit today. Shan't talk about it unless you ask me, its too depressing......

I'm 15, but I have the mind of a kid. Yea, I hate it when I lie to myself...... What in the world is making me think I still have a chance with her? What is it that makes me want to study SO hard? But yet I can't? Time will tell...... I hope.

Mind of a kid has its good points too. Loving collecting models, but not as hard as Gundam bah...... Wasted so much money on that shit. Now on the hunt for Stikfas and Warhammer 40k ^^ Anyone plays can teach me stuff? I'm still new. (Haven't even started :P)

I already asked myself. What do I like in her? I was unable to answer myself, yet I am also unable to let go of her...... Maybe I'll find one convenient day and trash it out with relevant people...... Even if it means hurting myself bad......

Oh yea, its Warhammer 40k! Still can't decide which faction is my favourite...... Though I know which factions I don't like :P Anyone plays or collects 40k? Knows where to get in SG? Come on, at least 1 person?

She's probably already annoyed to death by me, but I still can't forget siol...... So many people put me down, still can't forget siol...... Even she herself gave me hint, I STILL CAN'T FORGET. This is just too wrong.

Why am I even alternating between 40k and her sia? Weird......

Recollection

Past memories are bad enough. Now compared to the life of others, I can't help but wonder, why...... No offense to anyone I make a comparison with, envy you all, but no hate......

24th February, 1 day before SS CA1, FSD training under hot sun, ate shit, ignored by most who should have talked to me. 17th July, She knows what is going on, her busy period will probably be just over, its a weekend and probably free, and last time I actually talked to her, she was rich, so she won't eat shit. Significance of the dates? 24th February was my birthday...... Stressed to the max, train till sick before exam, failed SS, last for FSD, paid for doctor for nothing. Came home to a $20 piece of "chocolate cake". Wishes from few people. Not even enough to fill my wall...... No gifts. At all. Her? Well, she's got so much attention from her friends, already got gifts before the day, nothing much will bother her, and probably no shit for her consumption. Yup, 17th is her birthday......

Training a few months ago, I came. 2 others did not. All 3 of us were marksmen. I got my badge first. They got their badge yesterday. Problem? Mine was broken and dirty. Theirs were new and shiny, and got recognition for it. I came for that extra training and the badge I got was shittier than theirs. How fair......

SM: Confessed to by 3. Me: None. Either I seriously suck, out of luck, or no one seriously gives a fuck about me. Its even possible its all 3...... I'm not that seriously in need of a relationship (unless, you know). All I want is just the recognition......

Triple sciences vs 1 Pure Ratio is fucked. Their lives are supposed to be much more stressed, but yet mine sucks much more than theirs...... Worst part is, I was supposed to be amongst some of the best of them...... How is that even possible?

I've taken class chairman shit for 1 and a half years now. I got class chairman respect for about 1 week total. Didn't learn my lesson in Primary school...... Unlike some other chairmen who somehow have an easy job......

"Hope is the first step to disappointment" Completely agree. 8 years of hope has turned into a life time of shit for me. Poorly planned everything...... Funny thing is, people had so much more hope than me, why am I the only one taking the shit?

今天才刚发现可怕的真相，我一点都不是什么好汉，是个小人，我怨恨无知者。。。。。。

I really want to know why the people pissing me off are doing it unintentionally, and why I can hate some of them for doing so......

Some of the things I mentioned are little. I act like I'm not bothered but they actually irk

me so much......

Life......

Everything, well, almost everything, is reminding me of the shit that I have.

Growing tall? Good for you, I grew shorter and its just a sign of imminent "death".

Screwed a simple oral topic? Deja Vu......

Can't stop thinking of the same person for years? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Just a visit to a profile ends up with hours of browsing photos and imagining unwanted scenarios in head. FML

Didn't get to NDP or SYFOC or whatever, and disgraced myself in FSD, right......

If drills sucked so much, PT is nowhere near great. 2 years and I haven't accomplished shit...... Disgrace to the corps......

Far from the subject combination wanted, partly school's fault, mostly mine......

241+2, most screwed shit ever...... Now first in class, so what......

Insults all around, both intentional and unintentional......

Long time never threaten with separation already. Now, what the FUCK?

Just screw me now... Remembered all these in 1 day...

Effed up day...

Well, yea. Pretty much everything I predicted happened. At least I didn't have to see that shitty performance. Food was good until I got home and thought about how much I actually ate...... Still got maths homework to do, leaving that till I actually have the mood now......

After eating, some rather fucked up things happened. They brought me to cotton on (or whatever). They forced me to buy something, though I liked nothing. The worst shit happened in the dressing room...... Shall not write it out......

Of the whole day, only 3 and a half hours were well spent. 2 hours of Wing Chun, learn lots of cool shit today, mostly leg techniques. 1 and a half hours of BIOLOGY TUITION :D. TOPIC FUN.

Physics tuition was spent doing some wavelengths shit, don't even understand it well. Not even my topic yet, so why am I learning it so early......

Tomorrow "O" level CL oral, completely forsaken it already. I simply won't have what it takes to do HCL next year, so why bother......

Then someone came and typed a message. "Fools if infatuation will grow to become slaves of love." Fully knowing how fucked up the consequences of infatuation may be, I still can't let go of her......

So sad, I'm imagining lots of MSN and Facebook chat sounds. What will become of the days ahead......

July 10th 2.... Arh to hell with the date format

Can't be bothered much anymore. Seriously. You all give me shit, fine. I shall give you back the same quality of work.

I work my ass off 6 days a week and i can't even have the 7th to relax. Worse is, you don't use that day to make me study. You use it to cramp me with tuitions, then bring me to see some fucking baby on stage doing some random shit which will screw up, then fatten me up with some ridiculously priced dinner. Worst thing is, you told me this just today, and the fucked up day is tomorrow. Like I don't have enough problems in my life...... Life is harsh? So harsh I cant even have just a few hours of rest a week? I am doomed to fail? I planned everything, you are screwing with my plan, and you say I plot my own demise? Working 6 days a week is so much better than you sitting in front of your computer everyday then eat then sleep then send us to places. Thats it. Think you know my life and how to lead it? Think again......

Lady is pissing me off badly but then moments later I find what she does cute. How am I ever going to get her out of my fucking mind? Not being disrespectful to her at all, just that my mind seems badly fucked from it...... To you, if you happen to read this and you know who you are, don't worry about it at all. Just lead your life normally......

Workloads increase, but thats nothing much. I can still handle it. AS LONG AS NO ONE FUCKING SCREWS WITH MY SCHEDULE.

Still have that feeling I'm not exactly accepted as a friend...... What the hell...... Nothing from 6B, nothing from 2B, nothing from 3E...... Not just as a friend, even as a family member...... Person who screwed with my schedule was from family...... Person who nagged at me like no one's fucking business over something I was so sure I put in my bag but lost...... Its not like I'm gloating over this incident or did it on purpose right? Self nag in my mind and you add on......

Oral exam on Monday? Well, with all this shit going on, can I concentrate? Obviously not so fuck it already......

Fucked up shit happens, life still goes on...... Give me too much shit, and it will all return to you......

Whee......

I don't know where to start. Everything is screwing with my head. EVERYTHING! This, that, everything. Homework supposed to be smooth sailing but now screwed by logarithms, ____ supposed to be under control but now under it's control, not ready to assume duties as chairman, not even ready for school. My swift hard strike plan? Failed before execution. Seriously, whee......

June 24th 2010

Meh. Not really into this stuff. But since I'm here, I shall talk a bit about today...... Also, I imported posts from my personal blogs from the past. Posts which titles are not dates are imported. Also, I did not revise the content in those posts, so it should be authentic. As such, some of the language may be, uh, inappropriate.

Today, I realised I underestimated the time set for my homework. Now I got to rush everything in the night. Not really used to it but seems like there's no other choice.

Afternoon, CLASS OUTING. Sounds fun eh? Well you thought wrong. Evin's great idea to go Bugis was not so great. Agreed to meet at Bugis Station at 1:30pm. I arrived at 1pm. Gabriel at 1:20pm. Celene and Vanessa at 1:30pm. Evin, Tack Jun and some noob at 1:50pm... And it was Evin who said come at 1:30pm mind you.

Went to Iluma to watch movie. Cinema was Filmgarde. Bloody hell, normal ticket was $8.50... Seriously damn expensive. Watched Ip Man: The Legend is Born. Felt different but also kinda loved it. Happy the others thought it was ok.

Then we walked around aimlessly, then went to MacDonald's for a snack. Got an apple pie treat ^^. Then some bloody gangsters shouted at us for being "too loud". Well, to hell with those uneducated wimps, find me after I learn my Biu Tze and we will see who has the most fun out of it.

Next was the boring shit. Just walked aimlessly. Don't like arcade, so just stood there and watched.

Then go home lor. Even go home also got some people never say bye. Haiz... Well, tonight will be chionging homework liao. Hope I don't fall asleep doing it. Weird day. So many ups and downs. Also, something else happens. I'll keep it a secret. PM me if u want it ^^

June 18th 2010

Looks like I can't do this daily. Well, never mind then. So today......

Went to Cathay at AMK hub with my friends, Gerald, Yi Jie and Qi Han. Supposed to be an epic happy day. Whole thing screwed up. Go Cathay saw Hua Shin :D Buy ticket together :] 3:00 pm no more seat :) Bought 4:10pm :l (clashes with tuition) Realise I lost $14 :( Watch movie until nearly end must leave already D: All together, from :D to D: Well, at least after tuition I :) Even the Mac Donald's scam me of my free cup. What kind of day sia......

Only good friend in yesterday's class gathering was Hua Shin. Didn't go, but saw him today. Lucky :D Got him to buy all tickets together, so we seat 1 row below them. Only problem, its 4:10 pm. The Karate Kid would be at least 140 minutes long, ending at least 6:30pm. My tuition? 6:30pm zzzzzz.

Left the movie earlier but still didn't finish it. AMK HUB IS FREAKING COLD. Walk out of cinema cannot walk properly.

Reach tuition at about 7pm... Lucky it was forming linear equations again. Lied about having done my homework :P Ms Chan then said those who did their homework should have no problem with today's work, which were just exercises. I was thinking "WTF have I gotten myself into......" Then I saw the work, first one came with solutions. Studied solutions for 15 minutes and understood everything (how great I am)

The other 2 B were struggling, even after 30 minutes of work before me. They asked the dumbest questions that would make me lol, though I controlled myself, cause I had to catch up. Later cause of them, Miss Chan got damn pissed, and said whoever didn't complete the exercises today couldn't leave, even me :o Guess what, in the end, I was the first to leave :D That made me feel better, and if not for that, I would have emo the whole day away.

Today was still kinda wasted though......

June 7th 2010

Just started this blog. Created in hopes of relieving stress in life. Yes, life sucks, even more when you are me, but I'm sure some of you out there have it worse than me. Don't feel offended if you are one of them, JY all the way. Comment as you wish, lets share problems.

In a 4 week holiday, 2nd week ending, still not done homework. Nothing better to do, Mapling all the time.

Recently thought of something in the past, very demoralising. Its like every obstacle I've conquered is coming back, even stronger. Stupid crush, lack of badly wanted social life, all these I've ignored before. Now, yearning for better friends, more female company. Damn those hormones.

Upcoming social events: Movie with my friends. No new faces, and no girls. Seminar, completely no idea how it will turn out. Land Spec, either bittersweet or bitter all the way. Being pessimistic, I predict bitter all the way.

Like always, I will be completely unprepared when school reopens. This time will probably be the worst. Wonder why I even volunteered for class chairman.

First post, short and sweet summary of my current state :)

Worst Day

Just cause I'm away for a long time doesn't mean life is good. Read the title. Not emo enough to waste too much time here so nothing much here.

Grr...

Fucking damn it! Humanities failed, cross country missed, precious sleep gone, all for a freaking humiliating last place? HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE? I shall fail everything, skip school events and even not sleep for an epic comeback! Watch me... I don't die so easily...

Even if I have to screw the Part Alphas to the best standard, I WILL. I have to... Company is going through a difficult stage now, we, Part Deltas 2011 will change it to its former glory... trying our best for we are BARRACUDAS!

IDK

Problems, problems... Not a big deal anymore. Still come as normal, even more maybe, so why do I not care? I don't understand anymore. I don't even understand what it is that I don't understand. I just know that because I don't understand it, life will be a bitch. Did realise a few things more, but they just bring in more complication. Don't even know exactly what I'm posting now. ARGH! FML cannot describe me anymore...

Delay

Now exam period, got kinda screwed already. Gonna write everything that happened this week in 1 post after exams. Till then...

Same routine... slack, sleep, panic

Don't know why. Can't seem to break out of that cycle. Procrastination is a real bitch. Tomorrow is Physics and E-Maths CA1. Never study AT ALL. Haha, today, 2 hours online, 2 hours DoW, loving those Assault Space Marines, and the rest is PT! Pushed myself today, doing 30 pushups very slowly, 120 counts of jumping jack (more or less, lost count half way). Sweat so much! Yea! CNY is also quite a bitch, put on 2.5kg :( But that is considered quite good as compared to my previous years. Will lose it again anyway. So now it seems fun but trust me, tomorrow I panic. Like today, so nervous for SS that I sweat more without brace compared to with brace.

Joyride? NOT!

Gosh. Worst ever. Worst day of 2010 so far IS MY BIRTHDAY. WTF. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Well here it goes. Last night. Do work till 1am. After school today, supposed to go SS lecture, but because of class duties and training, I did not. Not bad enough? Well there's more. Because of all that, got headache. Finally free up time to study, notes gone. All this killed the will I had to study. Still idling. Good thing is that I haven't touched DoW for 2 days. Bad news is, I haven't really touched anything these 2 days.

This might sound impossible from me but yes, it really is from me. What I feel is that trainings these few days... are too slack. Seriously. Takes out a lot of fun from it. I would love this last year but now, I missed those Part A trainings. Shall not spend too much time here, going to try to study.

IMT eh, can't seem to get it right.

So today had IMT. Last time, I got 7/20, failed. I could pass, but failed. Now, I got 14/24, passed. I could get marksman, but passed. Doesn't seem to go right for me. AND THE BEST. Survival training form. Handed in with 1 blank. MY NAME! Went back after IMT to find Sir Teng. Found that he had already written for me. Sibei paiseh leh. Later still got HCL tuition. Fuck it. Damn boring, damn expensive, and quite ineffective. Go there waste 2 hours waste money. Still got homework. Sad.

New fun life? WRONG TIME?

So you all know I got into FSD. Quite good news. Also, I got my hands on Dawn of War: Dark Crusade. AWESOME GAME! Got me hooked. Bad things? Well, there are always bad things and all good things seem bad. So, I got addicted to DoW like, 4 DAYS BEFORE THE COMMON TEST? Screwed for this year, I feel. Also, FSD slightly reduced the studying time I have left. Not to mention a lot of undone SPA homework. Still, I do have some good news. Forgotten my crush (for now at least, don't know if it will come back). One less thing to worry about. Since common test is coming, I will have somewhat less work to do, but of course, I will study more. Still, Work>Study. In a way, its less pressure.

About that sonofabitch, people are starting to say that its my fault we "broke up". I sat down and thought, "Is it really my fault?" Result: Not at all. Even if it were a misunderstanding, this made me realise that me and sonofabitch have nothing much in common. He uses me, makes me feel bad and feel happy about it, never really liked him. So even if it was really me fault, I DON'T CARE! GOOD CHANCE TO LEAVE HIM.

Anger, well, keeping that in check. Just that I lost control once today, when the stupid NPCC Cadets simply refused to listen to me, BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID MANGA. Feel so sorry for them. Never really liked manga, or anime. Waste of time. Its like a cartoon series, only FUCKING LONG AND FUCKING MATURE. Wastes a lot of time like I mentioned, but what most people don't realise, is that it wastes a great deal of energy. And you aren't really doing anything, just staring at a screen. Slows your brain, makes you lazy and inactive, fills your head with delusional thoughts. This is why the I wanted to break away from it. Any one of you who come across this blog by luck and reads this, good for you. Wake up and manga. 

Wasted

Another day just past by without me doing work... I just slacked and slacked and slacked. Probably because I was thinking about things. Personal things...... Gonna see that sonofabitch tomorrow. Really don't know why I could not tell he was such a bastard. My judgement is usually quite good... I helped him so much (ok, maybe not a lot but its quite a handful), now that he outshines me, I feel happy for him, or at least, I would, IF HE WERN'T SUCH A JACKASS. DotA was what brought us together. That was retarded. Now without DotA, its nothing much. Tried to help him out. Put in a lot of effort. Result? He improved greatly! He thanked a nobody and not me! HE FUCKING THANKED SOMEONE WHO HELPED HIM OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES AND NOT ME. He doesn't listen to me. Not as chairman, not even as friend. Makes me look like a fool. In short, HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME. I find him distracting during tuition. Backstab me like its nothing and later come back acting cool like it was nothing. HOW THE FUCK DOES ONE DO THAT? Summarise everything, disrespect. Now, he's doing better, I'm doing worse, I'm feeling sad but more of angry thanks to him, he doesn't give a shit. I see him once more than I have to every week thanks to me. Gosh, its wonderful isn't it?

To sonofabitch: If you are reading this and you seem suprised, it just shows that you really are a bastard. Still, I must thank you, thank you for making me realise she is not the one for me. If she was, you probably be dead by now. And no, reading this and changing yourself won't change anything. I am sure the pain you inflicted on me did not cloud my judgement. I did not listen to my parents when they told me not to get too close to you and I got my just desserts. I simply hate you and we are through.

So?

Yea so I was influenced by my mother. Post earlier on was so strong because of sudden realisation. But later, after some thinking, that BARELY explains anything. It does cause some problems, but that is less. So then, what is really wrong? Still don't get it...

What went wrong

So, why does my mother still seem quite ok? And I feel like I'M ABOUT TO FUCKING EXPLODE ANYTIME? What I know so far is that she has authority over me, my sister and also a bit of my father. Me? I HAVE AUTHORITY OVER A CLASS WHICH SHOWS MODERATE BEHAVIOR, I WILL HAVE AUTHORITY OVER SEC 2 SOON, I HAVE A FUCKING LOT MORE THINGS TO BOTHER ABOUT THAN HER. Ok, next, she gets pissed off when we do something that seems wrong to her. For me? People seem to do wrong ALL THE TIME. SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE. She has some tolerance. Me? I GOT PISSED TILL ALL THE TOLERANCE IS GONE. What am I to do?

THE TRUTH FUCKING HURTS! FUCK!

Sigh... Fucking truth... I think I understand... Its my thinking... My thinking influences my attitude, my actions. Everything I received, was really what I deserved... I WAS A FUCKING PRICK! SORRY EVERYONE! And I know I was a prick... Because that attitude came from my MOTHER! LIKE WTF. I always thought she was... Expecting perfection in everything so her life would be easier... now I'M LIKE THAT. HOW DO I EXPECT PEOPLE TO FEEL GOOD NEAR ME? Someone told me to seek professional advice. I called him lame. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG! I don't want to talk to professionals. I HAVE TO. Don't know wether to laugh or cry...

Heh.

My life is just bullshit. People who lost a limb, contracted a terminal disease or even lose a loved one have something to cry about. For everything I experience, crying is just pathetic. But its just that I go through so much... Going to cancel the so called "party". Just won't work out. I know it. I am pretty damn sure I am not setting goals that are too high for myself. Do I not deserve to truly enjoy a bit of life? I just don't know how to get my life back, how to amend what I've done, how to break out of this cycle of sorrow... Am I getting what I deserve? I am clear what I should have done and what I shouldn't have... I tell people I'm numb to sadness already... but that was never true... Who shall I discuss about my sickening life with? I don't know...

FSD? Multiple trainings? So many clashes? FML

And I thought FSD was an awesome way to contribute to the unit. Training on the 24th, on Saturdays and those are in the common test period. LIKE WTF? 24th... the next joyful event in my life... supposed to invite a few friends over but now... Everything I look forward to becomes some form of disaster... Everything I do not look forward to just comes as normal... Can hardly smile now.

Resort world! Universal Studios SG! All screwed...

As the title says, I went to Universal Studios Singapore. No rides open, so that made it a waste of time. Only reason why I did not go emo was because of the nice scenery and friendly staff. Yep. Scenery was interesting and all the staff were friendly and eager to help out. The thing is, all of them were all good looking youths. You wouldn't really expect to see an ugly hag giving you the paedophile look at Universal Studios right? Wrong. The wonderful scenario I described just now was just for the first half of the day. Even that was not enough to make me completely happy. The second half was boring. Nothing interesting to look at, staff getting sloppier and uglier, even saw a paedophile. Scenery was not that wow anymore. Saw many wonderful restaurants earlier but in the end ate at Mel's Drive In, which served average, normal fast food in servings you could never finish. Left the park soon after that. BUT THATS NOT ALL. We still walked around resort world. Now, WHY THE FUCK MUST WE WALK AROUND? ALL THE STORES ARE CLOSED, THE WALKING DISTANCE IS LONG AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, EVEN THE BABY ALREADY VERY TIRED AND CRIED. Not that I really liked that baby but for once, I agreed with it. Why couldn't we just go home? Anyways, managed to survive and now typing this post. Not going to expect school to be good tomorrow, but hope training can help me forget my problems.

Pilot

So this is my first post on my bitching blog. Why I want to bitch about my life? Because it has been nothing but sad. Well, its not like I lost an arm or leg but, COME ON! Since this is my first post, I don't think I will get to deep into this. I won't give the URL of this blog to just anyone, so if you chance upon it, good for you.