Weakness......

Weak, useless, wastrel. Thats me. Everything I did so far, showed nothing but weakness. Total disappointment.

I ranted a lot on how I was helpless at doing things, and now, I find myself helpless at controlling myself. Thoughts take over my mind so easily...... Screws with reality. Pushes me to go against my morals...... Any idea how much pain that is?

I think of indulgence, but who doesn't? I have always told myself to let others let me down then let others down. Now, I find myself thinking of indulging while others suffer fates worse than death. Worse still, they are loved ones. How selfish have I become......

School value of respect. Did everything I could to show it. Then, everyone comes and tell me I never gave any. Even better? I don't think I even received any from the start. Yet I want to give so much of it......

SPACE MARINES! Well, just fuck off and die. Clouded my mind with so many unclean thoughts, screws with my sense of reality. Mind fucked a whole lot by this, and even now, I can't stop thinking of it......

My good friends, always there for me, always knowing what to do to cheer me up, zero. I have seen a lot of the truth now, and can tell even more. Living the unwanted life of solitude. Trying hard to find some replacement, but it seems that it is wasted effort.

NCC. Woosh. Denied a leadership position. Got a job at least, but its only a title for show. No one needed me at all. Best part, I don't just fail at my job, I fail as a cadet. Juniors outdo me......

Academics took a serious turn for the worse. Compared to the past, it never was good enough. And now its worse. This exam, I put in the most effort, yet did the worst in many months......

The school seems to be constantly thinking of new ways to screw with the class chairmen. Every week, I seem to get into shit which is hardly my problem. No authority, no recognition, who the hell would want to work on......

Recalling my past glory, I think to myself. Why......

Now?

So far, life has been, well, I don't know what to say either. Writing according to what comes first into my mind.

Chum Kiu. Just 1 word. Sex. Form itself looks cool, (well, Siu Nim Tau was also cool at the start :P), applications were wicked, and complimenting it, CHI SAU :D All together, FUN. I feel the power of Wing Chun finally, and it isn't even its full power :P

Malaysian relatives came over. Life is great with them generally. Got to eat lots off free food, get closer to relatives, especially 大舅's side. Damn, I never knew I had such old cousins. Or at least I long forgotten. Whatever. Screwed up part, wake up freaking early every morning, and an uncle who seems mentally unsound. Then there's always the testosterone......

Common test 2. WHEE. Screwed everything. People say I am freaking good just because I passed everything. I can't tell them I'm no good or get whacked, and I can't boast to them because of my previous friends. FML......

NCC seems to be going quite ok, especially since I, well, some things are better not said. Sirs can't be bothered to GL me, I can barely get punished for doing anything wrong. After all, I barely do anything :)

So, how do you describe it? Up to you......

Yea...

Haven't been here for quite some time. Been smoothing sailing. Till now......

Yea. I was first in class last term. Yay? I don't think so...... I'd say, it was pure luck. I more or less accepted the fact I'm not smart, which means I shouldn't have been first in class. First in class should go to a closet mugger, maybe Wilson? Not me...... So this term, people got high expectations of me, and since I did not even deserve first, those expectations, WAY too high. Also, pride chews in, making me want to fulfill all expectations of others. Screwed pride......

Yea. I have accepted the fact that I'm not smart. But surrounded by smart asses from the past? Gosh, I was among them then! Dropping till this state...... Speechless. Screwed with pride the most.

Yea. Smart asses from the past, dumb people from the present. Not just dumb people, people with attitudes so shitty they make me think deeply. If one doesn't mug, he/she must at least learn at any pace. They? They don't even want to learn. Absolutely not like a student. And this is but one kind of people who irritate me. The next kind, disgusts me. The freaking immature, freaking selfish, freaking ignorant. I know 2 people (so far, I'm sure there are more), all 3 combined. Every time see me point out he is better? Well, I don't get pissed. I laugh. Same number of subjects, just marginally better than me...... Go 3A laugh at me, well I got nothing to say. But now ar, you watch it...... CCA? Term 2, "Screw you la, you sure you can PS? Can even medic or not... You know they go run you must follow one leh......" I simply smiled. Term 3, look who's boss and who's subordinate...... And he doesn't even know why......

So in short, I don't really belong anywhere...... That feeling sucks......

Mixed feelings...

Does anyone still come here? Well, doesn't matter, I'll keep this up. My days have been messed. Things don't go as planned.

What was meant to be purely motivational seems to have gotten further. Better than the previous though, and I am still motivated, so should be okay.

Why be class CM? Why be S2? Why even work hard? Few people can see what I am doing, and even fewer can appreciate it. Just wasting my time here......

Long weekend, slacked 2 days away, 2 more for homework. Lots of homework. 7 maths homework :D 3 English conversations :D 2 Chinese compo :D Probably gonna ignore Chinese and give poor maths homework.

Spending most of my time on something that has a high chance of no yield. But its that feeling while doing it that makes it worth it, though the realisation of no achievement will probably suck.

Off to my insane homework......

So far...

Not good. At all.

Epic selfish, I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO GET THAT JOB. Though its not a strong objection, its just a matter of preference. More reasons than one......

Camp is fucked. Thats all I want to say. Want know more find me.

No time for so many tests. Doomed to fail...

Changes

Change is largely unpredictable. It can be for better or for worse. I'm not really liking the changes now......

Sister didn't get DSA approval. Damn sadded. Can't even bear to see the way she drowns herself in too much studies. It will just ruin her, in a different way from which I was ruined, but on the same thing......

Dad getting a job. Sounds great initially but, as more info was revealed, I didn't like it. At all. Firstly, he is going to work irregular hours for a not so reasonable amount of pay (to me). Secondly, it is in an environment he is DEFINITELY not suited for. And I'm not even sure how bad it is...... Lastly (selfish reasons), he won't send me to school anymore.

Changes in family, changes in friends too...... All becoming outstanding in what they do, and I, though truly happy for MOST OF them, am not really becoming better at all. One becomes more duty oriented, one excels in his skills, one growing into a fine gentleman (under my guidance :D), one a hardworking scholar, and one, a she, is everything they are...... (except the gentleman part)

Duties are important. But he devotes so much into his duties, he becomes less interact-able...... Perfectly normal, but selfishly, I don't like it......

When one excels in a certain skill, it is only because one has gone through long harsh hours of training till perfection. Also, nothing much to say, just a little jealousy maybe? Anyway, all I can do now is just work on my own skill.

From a retard into a gentleman, is one of the greatest changes that could occur in a man. I guided him along the way, but I myself do not feel I am doing well in this aspect......

And her, well, its a new one, gotten with the intention of pure motivation. Sadly, that does not seem to be the case anymore...... Her ravishing beauty and voice oh so soothing to my mind have mesmerized me, making me break away from my intentions. As with the previous, this one is also kind of "unattainable", but at least she really does push me to do better. Wait till the heartbreak part, its will just be the same pain again...... Also, to maintain this "good feeling", I have to do odd things that hurt me as well......

One more person I did not list down just now. This one is special. He himself, had a grand change in his life, but now, in my honest opinion, he neglects his other things, one of which being me. Being the nice and honest (and also gullible and trusting zzzzzz) person I am, I will just have to believe he is just still trying to adapt and give him time...... But how long? A week? A month? A year? But if I was wrong from the start......

Oh man, whataya want from me?