Delay

Now exam period, got kinda screwed already. Gonna write everything that happened this week in 1 post after exams. Till then...

Same routine... slack, sleep, panic

Don't know why. Can't seem to break out of that cycle. Procrastination is a real bitch. Tomorrow is Physics and E-Maths CA1. Never study AT ALL. Haha, today, 2 hours online, 2 hours DoW, loving those Assault Space Marines, and the rest is PT! Pushed myself today, doing 30 pushups very slowly, 120 counts of jumping jack (more or less, lost count half way). Sweat so much! Yea! CNY is also quite a bitch, put on 2.5kg :( But that is considered quite good as compared to my previous years. Will lose it again anyway. So now it seems fun but trust me, tomorrow I panic. Like today, so nervous for SS that I sweat more without brace compared to with brace.

Joyride? NOT!

Gosh. Worst ever. Worst day of 2010 so far IS MY BIRTHDAY. WTF. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Well here it goes. Last night. Do work till 1am. After school today, supposed to go SS lecture, but because of class duties and training, I did not. Not bad enough? Well there's more. Because of all that, got headache. Finally free up time to study, notes gone. All this killed the will I had to study. Still idling. Good thing is that I haven't touched DoW for 2 days. Bad news is, I haven't really touched anything these 2 days.

This might sound impossible from me but yes, it really is from me. What I feel is that trainings these few days... are too slack. Seriously. Takes out a lot of fun from it. I would love this last year but now, I missed those Part A trainings. Shall not spend too much time here, going to try to study.

IMT eh, can't seem to get it right.

So today had IMT. Last time, I got 7/20, failed. I could pass, but failed. Now, I got 14/24, passed. I could get marksman, but passed. Doesn't seem to go right for me. AND THE BEST. Survival training form. Handed in with 1 blank. MY NAME! Went back after IMT to find Sir Teng. Found that he had already written for me. Sibei paiseh leh. Later still got HCL tuition. Fuck it. Damn boring, damn expensive, and quite ineffective. Go there waste 2 hours waste money. Still got homework. Sad.

New fun life? WRONG TIME?

So you all know I got into FSD. Quite good news. Also, I got my hands on Dawn of War: Dark Crusade. AWESOME GAME! Got me hooked. Bad things? Well, there are always bad things and all good things seem bad. So, I got addicted to DoW like, 4 DAYS BEFORE THE COMMON TEST? Screwed for this year, I feel. Also, FSD slightly reduced the studying time I have left. Not to mention a lot of undone SPA homework. Still, I do have some good news. Forgotten my crush (for now at least, don't know if it will come back). One less thing to worry about. Since common test is coming, I will have somewhat less work to do, but of course, I will study more. Still, Work>Study. In a way, its less pressure.

About that sonofabitch, people are starting to say that its my fault we "broke up". I sat down and thought, "Is it really my fault?" Result: Not at all. Even if it were a misunderstanding, this made me realise that me and sonofabitch have nothing much in common. He uses me, makes me feel bad and feel happy about it, never really liked him. So even if it was really me fault, I DON'T CARE! GOOD CHANCE TO LEAVE HIM.

Anger, well, keeping that in check. Just that I lost control once today, when the stupid NPCC Cadets simply refused to listen to me, BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID MANGA. Feel so sorry for them. Never really liked manga, or anime. Waste of time. Its like a cartoon series, only FUCKING LONG AND FUCKING MATURE. Wastes a lot of time like I mentioned, but what most people don't realise, is that it wastes a great deal of energy. And you aren't really doing anything, just staring at a screen. Slows your brain, makes you lazy and inactive, fills your head with delusional thoughts. This is why the I wanted to break away from it. Any one of you who come across this blog by luck and reads this, good for you. Wake up and manga. 

Wasted

Another day just past by without me doing work... I just slacked and slacked and slacked. Probably because I was thinking about things. Personal things...... Gonna see that sonofabitch tomorrow. Really don't know why I could not tell he was such a bastard. My judgement is usually quite good... I helped him so much (ok, maybe not a lot but its quite a handful), now that he outshines me, I feel happy for him, or at least, I would, IF HE WERN'T SUCH A JACKASS. DotA was what brought us together. That was retarded. Now without DotA, its nothing much. Tried to help him out. Put in a lot of effort. Result? He improved greatly! He thanked a nobody and not me! HE FUCKING THANKED SOMEONE WHO HELPED HIM OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES AND NOT ME. He doesn't listen to me. Not as chairman, not even as friend. Makes me look like a fool. In short, HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME. I find him distracting during tuition. Backstab me like its nothing and later come back acting cool like it was nothing. HOW THE FUCK DOES ONE DO THAT? Summarise everything, disrespect. Now, he's doing better, I'm doing worse, I'm feeling sad but more of angry thanks to him, he doesn't give a shit. I see him once more than I have to every week thanks to me. Gosh, its wonderful isn't it?

To sonofabitch: If you are reading this and you seem suprised, it just shows that you really are a bastard. Still, I must thank you, thank you for making me realise she is not the one for me. If she was, you probably be dead by now. And no, reading this and changing yourself won't change anything. I am sure the pain you inflicted on me did not cloud my judgement. I did not listen to my parents when they told me not to get too close to you and I got my just desserts. I simply hate you and we are through.

So?

Yea so I was influenced by my mother. Post earlier on was so strong because of sudden realisation. But later, after some thinking, that BARELY explains anything. It does cause some problems, but that is less. So then, what is really wrong? Still don't get it...

What went wrong

So, why does my mother still seem quite ok? And I feel like I'M ABOUT TO FUCKING EXPLODE ANYTIME? What I know so far is that she has authority over me, my sister and also a bit of my father. Me? I HAVE AUTHORITY OVER A CLASS WHICH SHOWS MODERATE BEHAVIOR, I WILL HAVE AUTHORITY OVER SEC 2 SOON, I HAVE A FUCKING LOT MORE THINGS TO BOTHER ABOUT THAN HER. Ok, next, she gets pissed off when we do something that seems wrong to her. For me? People seem to do wrong ALL THE TIME. SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE. She has some tolerance. Me? I GOT PISSED TILL ALL THE TOLERANCE IS GONE. What am I to do?

THE TRUTH FUCKING HURTS! FUCK!

Sigh... Fucking truth... I think I understand... Its my thinking... My thinking influences my attitude, my actions. Everything I received, was really what I deserved... I WAS A FUCKING PRICK! SORRY EVERYONE! And I know I was a prick... Because that attitude came from my MOTHER! LIKE WTF. I always thought she was... Expecting perfection in everything so her life would be easier... now I'M LIKE THAT. HOW DO I EXPECT PEOPLE TO FEEL GOOD NEAR ME? Someone told me to seek professional advice. I called him lame. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG! I don't want to talk to professionals. I HAVE TO. Don't know wether to laugh or cry...

Heh.

My life is just bullshit. People who lost a limb, contracted a terminal disease or even lose a loved one have something to cry about. For everything I experience, crying is just pathetic. But its just that I go through so much... Going to cancel the so called "party". Just won't work out. I know it. I am pretty damn sure I am not setting goals that are too high for myself. Do I not deserve to truly enjoy a bit of life? I just don't know how to get my life back, how to amend what I've done, how to break out of this cycle of sorrow... Am I getting what I deserve? I am clear what I should have done and what I shouldn't have... I tell people I'm numb to sadness already... but that was never true... Who shall I discuss about my sickening life with? I don't know...

FSD? Multiple trainings? So many clashes? FML

And I thought FSD was an awesome way to contribute to the unit. Training on the 24th, on Saturdays and those are in the common test period. LIKE WTF? 24th... the next joyful event in my life... supposed to invite a few friends over but now... Everything I look forward to becomes some form of disaster... Everything I do not look forward to just comes as normal... Can hardly smile now.

Resort world! Universal Studios SG! All screwed...

As the title says, I went to Universal Studios Singapore. No rides open, so that made it a waste of time. Only reason why I did not go emo was because of the nice scenery and friendly staff. Yep. Scenery was interesting and all the staff were friendly and eager to help out. The thing is, all of them were all good looking youths. You wouldn't really expect to see an ugly hag giving you the paedophile look at Universal Studios right? Wrong. The wonderful scenario I described just now was just for the first half of the day. Even that was not enough to make me completely happy. The second half was boring. Nothing interesting to look at, staff getting sloppier and uglier, even saw a paedophile. Scenery was not that wow anymore. Saw many wonderful restaurants earlier but in the end ate at Mel's Drive In, which served average, normal fast food in servings you could never finish. Left the park soon after that. BUT THATS NOT ALL. We still walked around resort world. Now, WHY THE FUCK MUST WE WALK AROUND? ALL THE STORES ARE CLOSED, THE WALKING DISTANCE IS LONG AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, EVEN THE BABY ALREADY VERY TIRED AND CRIED. Not that I really liked that baby but for once, I agreed with it. Why couldn't we just go home? Anyways, managed to survive and now typing this post. Not going to expect school to be good tomorrow, but hope training can help me forget my problems.

Pilot

So this is my first post on my bitching blog. Why I want to bitch about my life? Because it has been nothing but sad. Well, its not like I lost an arm or leg but, COME ON! Since this is my first post, I don't think I will get to deep into this. I won't give the URL of this blog to just anyone, so if you chance upon it, good for you.