Mania

Awesome title yea? Says it all. I'm losing my mind sooner or later. Not just mind, control of emotions, actions, probably everything.

Homework piles up. Fucked. Hormonal rages. Even more fucked. Heck, why do I bother listing, when probably every single thing is fucked. Yep. I don't know anything, I don't understand anything, I can't do anything, everything I do is wrong, well, why am I listing again? Everything.

Now it feels like a mixed episode of bipolar disorder, which is kinda like when my emotions get wasted and cannot differentiate the feeling of sorrow and highness. So together, pretty bad shit happens eh. Yea not just shit happening. I can't judge things right. The few great moments in life I deem as shit as well. Very terrible effects from all this. Yup.

I used to be able to rant out craploads of words with beautiful vocabulary in them. Now life just sucks so bad I can't write anything.

Why?

Depressed, depressed, depressed. Sigh. Why? IDK either. Life is awesome.

I have lots of theories. They are applied to life. Applicable to anyone's life. I can't seem to apply them to my life. Meaning I myself haven't come to terms with them. And here I am, trying to teach others how to understand them. The epic failure I am.

I find myself failing in the same ways I used to. Acting as if I know it all. Insult people unintentionally. Violent tendencies. Unable to communicate. And a whole list of other bollocks. All because I had too much energy at those times.

Then? Well there has to be more for life to suck. Magnifying every single flaw in me, thus making myself feel inferior. Having the most negative thoughts from everything. Taking situations too seriously. All because I was too sad at those times.

This? Well, these are somewhat symptoms of Bipolar II Disorder. Low chance of getting it, but being me =/ I worry too much.

Females. Darn. Make life so hard. Come and go one after another. Each one taking a huge chunk out of me, wasting so much time and energy which could have been put to better use. A world with females suck. Then again, a world WITHOUT females would still suck. Weird......

Weirdness

Crashed Jim's place today. Sexy. The whole day, basically sitting there and slacking. Some talk, some sing, some of everything I guess. Everything, except bridge. RAWR. All that slacking, well, really helped pass time?

Met Audrey for the first time :) Complicated person, but then again, who isn't? Brings many new opportunities. No one should know what I'm talking about now. Sad life. WHICH REMINDS ME......

I have to do a rant. Notice how I say "have to". Its getting way out of hand. I know, I have a brain better than normal (not boasting, just......). My thoughts, words, all more complicated. Something to be glad for eh? How to be happy when no one can comprehend your words? Thanks to Kelly (no sarcasm, really, thanks), the only one honest enough to outright tell me she couldn't understand me. I thought she had some problems with language, so I didn't bother, but then I noticed the body language of those around me. They all told me the same thing. "Don't understand". I have the better brain, I don't go boast like an asshole, I use it. I complete my work with minimal time usage and effort. People reckon me for an asshole...... Trying to teach others? People reckon me for an asshole again...... Why. The fuck. Wanting me to "stoop to their level of intelligence" takes it toll on my brain (somehow, lol). Yea, I actually have to THINK before I say. Then when I look flustered or hesitant thinking of what to say, guess what. PEOPLE RECKON ME FOR AN ASSHOLE. I do loads to help others with their problems, in life, and that has became a problem in my life. No one understands the advice I give, so why bother teaching...... BECAUSE I HAVE A THIRST TO. Being reckoned as an asshole, bad enough. Not able to satisfy a thirst, worse. No one understands, worst.

Never thought I had to post these words here. F.M.L.

Random

Alright, I'm not posting how I feel. (Actually, IDK how I feel lol) So this will be just me blurting out random thoughts, due to the recent extreme changes in moods which messed me up bad. This post shall be random gibberish from my mind which would be reasonably feasible.

Main cause of all sadness: Not happy enough. THERE. I SAID IT. LOL. I damn happy you all say I sad should cheer up more, good lor. Cannot get any happier to reach your expectations, so what happen? Really become sad lor. Epic joke and realisation last night :P

Period of extreme boredom, followed by extreme fun, then total boredom again. Yearn for fun is so great that I do retarded stuff (like sending flame mail to people who didn't deserve it :X) Then too retarded I feel sorry for what I did. Sadded.

Always when I realise some great truth, I always question it so deeply that it doesn't seem so true after all. Weird.

Negative Aura

The worst of the worst, "he" came out when I was not expecting him at all. Damaged the shit out of me, and again, I feel lost.

Stuck at home to idle. Thoughts bounced all over. Somehow, to all that I never wanted to know, or rather, remember. All down to one point. Him. So sad, I had to run, and now, even the run went wrong. Full of anger, self resent, self despise, inferiority, basically, full of all the shit in the past that I fought off one by one in the past. I knew they would be back, but not all at once, gee......

Lost is a better word to describe actually. This feeling is so...... mixed.

Phailed

Half the battle lost from the start lol. Caught me by suprise (seems like every week something does). Feeling is damn weird (it always is).

First off, broken bed fixed! More badass than when I first bought it lol. But I already got used to sleeping on the floor then you tell me to come up. FML.

Then, e-maths tuition. Thats where half the battle was lost :P Seating changed, you can more or less tell what happened. Distances, angles and influences. Did feel better about myself, though "he" came out again :x Still suppressed him :D It feels great to be wanting to give up, even though I've not given up. The feeling of leaving class 5 minutes early and saying "bite my dust" is like no other :D A part of me did feel sad, but with such an epic punch-line, who really cares? That unexplained feeling is still there, but feels better :D

Itching to buy Yu-Gi-Oh again lol. Probably tomorrow :)

What tomorrow brings......

Lets see, previous post, I didn't look so good eh? Now? Much better :D Lets give a nice summary about all this.

The thing that sticks to my mind, well, SBM! Yea, I joined the SMB, went to my first sharing session! (Which was also their last for the year lol) If only I found that place like 2 years earlier. Everything there is wonderful, apart from the awkwardness, but that is inevitable, and will pass anyway :D The Sigalovada Sutta, thought simple, well, anything that processes through my brain becomes hard :P Opened me to many new insights, and even helped me help a few others :D The few days after the session, I felt happier, without much reason lol. Meditations, chantings and offerings I guess :D Just too bad I couldn't join them for camp......

And who knew my dad had so many treasures to share. The book of Zen, opened me to some insight to Buddhism, but lots to psychology :D I did dismiss some problems thanks to it. Loads more philosophy, and an olden Chinese language dictionary. So much knowledge, left hidden :O

Walking with dinosaurs, well, something new, but kinda boring lol. Then after got real angry, but managed to catch myself and ask why. Appeased my anger by myself, and not by letting in, thank you! Felt damn proud of myself. Then it was endless shopping (nothing worth buying lol) then dinner at Akashabu! Previous time was awesome, I remember eating really happily, this time nothing special =/ Wonder why.

Hehe, and tomorrow is WEDNESDAY! E-maths tuition, time to put my new mentality to the test :P What happens? No one knows yet. Wether I fall deeper into infatuation, or block out those implausible thoughts, :P LET THERE BE SELF TRIUMPH!

Not really well......

Yeap. Plan to turn situation around? Turned it 360º. Back to square 1. Actually even before. That feeling of being lost in life has come back, for now I am truly lost.

I put my trust in you. That's all you need to know. You actually knew, yet you disregarded it. You made me have a negative feeling in myself, and you knew you did. The problem? You didn't know what that feeling was...... You thought you were conjuring fear I guess. You thought wrong. Really wrong. What had sparked in me, was a fit of anger I never knew before. You don't know this. Your knowledge, so thin, shall be your downfall. Your disability to read others, will put you in an extremely disadvantageous position. I yearn for your blood to spill by my hand, but that would land me in lots of trouble, and, it would spill 10 fold anyway, in a place you strongly believe in......

You, well, it was never your fault. In fact, I believe you were helping me unknowingly. But the success rate of your assistance was only half, and you led me to worse trouble. Still, it is not your fault, and I shall never blame you for it. You gave off so much energy, and I was attracted, yet, there was some barrier that would separate me from you. As time passed, haha, your energies grew stronger, and I find myself helplessly banging into the barrier. Well, I wish you all the best anyway......

My other blog, I posted about best friends, and true friends. It is really hard to tell. In fact, they are never forever true, or maybe even never were true. Previously, I had identified 2, but 1 has proven me wrong, which led to me doubting the other. In short? I have no one left. The most confusing time in my life, where I am truly lost, to the point of not even knowing what I'm feeling, and I realise I have no one. I used to laugh at my life for being such a comedy, but its no longer funny. My life is comprised of false joy and pre-destined sorrow. Yet, I don't resign to fate, which makes my existence even worse.

Anyone who even sees this, please......