Mystery

All the rage accumulated in me. So much, so hard to control. Yet, all got destroyed in merely 10 minutes. Just her presence. That was all it took to destroy the anger I had taken 16 years to build. She doesn't treat me exceptionally well or anything, yet this still happens. Just her presence......

And yet, its those people I call friends or family that actually bring rage. How is this life? I have no idea what it is. My friends enrage me. Just 1 girl does the opposite, without doing anything. With no explanation for it, it just happens. I feel like destroying the world, seeing humanity in suffering, but the very thought of her suffering comes to my mind and it all stops. It all just stops.

And the irony of it all is that she kind of treats me like nothing. I feel nothing. Even when I think I feel something, it ends up to be nothing. Yet there is such a strong pull, such a strong desire to give all I can, without receiving. Not receiving brings so much torment to me, yet the want to give her never stopped. It never has.

Friends are the most unreliable source of entertainment, but the most reliable source of sorrow. I don't think she is a friend, though we are not lovers, and most definitely not enemies. Then what......

Ushering a new era ~

Fuck sorrow. Worthless emotion, does not feel good. Only through rage can one gain through happiness.

What's there to rage about? Well, everything I'd say. Ever stop to think why we feel sad? Its something we want that we can't get? Or a fact that we cannot accept? Worthless getting sad. Might as well show everyone how much it irks you, or simply accept the fact.

Remember, inferiority complex? Being different? Fuck them all. No point feeling inferior, its all an image projected in your mind. Different? Fuck yea, I used to worry, why I can't fit in. Answer was simple. I simply can't. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, I bring misery to them. Tried ending my life to end their misery once, pathetic. I would bring more anguish to my loved ones wouldn't I? Since I have this "talent", might as well use it to afflict pain on my enemies. I mean, come on, am I to die because they made my life suck? Am I to bring the pain to my friends and family because some dogs just ruined my life?

Since I am this different, there isn't really a point fitting in. My friends will hate me too much eventually, and leave. So why struggle to hold on? Then, just last night, I realised. Friends are the most unreliable source of entertainment. One moment of joy for weeks of sorrow? Fuck that. I made everyone suffer, so they'd leave me earlier, but that one person I can't bear to hurt...... Even she has to leave, I know. But I can't speed up the process. Fucks our lives. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hate her. I know she was an image of who I was in the past, but seriously?

Its hard for them to leave me, but once they do, they can feel happiness like they felt before meeting me. Once they're gone, I can focus fully on using my "talent" to make enemies of me and my friends suffer. Yes, I can never forget my friends, but they have to leave me. I will silently guard them as best as I can, and they won't even know shit. The dog who betrayed 3 years of my kindness is now suffering like never before. All thanks to me. I rejoice in his sorrow. I tried being nice to him, but every friend I introduced to him just gets flipped off. Dumb piece of shit doesn't blame himself for his fate. Worthless.......

Me

Once again, I am tissue paper, to be used then thrown away......

Sorry

I have been foolish. I caused many to worry. Do not die for what's wrong, but live for what's right. Still means I hate you guys......

Everything

Life is pointless. Or at least, my life. After all, what the fuck am I? Nobody. Heck. I don't even fit in the nobodies. Call me a wimp, whatever. Death is salvation.

Retarded as fuck, are some of the people around me. Its as if the only people in the world who has emotions was them. Anyone else capable of feeling sad, is stupid and useless. And when things go really badly for you? ITS MY FAULT? FUCK OFF. I specifically told you a way to solve your problems. You said you would do it. You did not fucking do it. You made yourself worse. And then what? The blame is mine again. Either you are amazingly stupid for not taking a solution presented to you, or my solution was wrong. That solution was everything to me, my morals, my life's experiences, EVERYTHING. And you ask why I seem so fucked up? Well, you've destroyed your son, and now your daughter is about to go down the same fucking path. You don't even know shit. Whatever I tell you all, you all say yes then do nothing. You guys never choose to believe you are wrong. So am I supposed to present my rotting corpse to you before you can slow down and think for yourselves? Do you all really fail that much as humans?

So many fucking hypocrites around. You obviously don't want to be with me. Yet you still do. Idk why you guys do this shit, feeding me with so much fucking false hope. Want to stay away from me, so be it. Being in another world, one where you don't belong, is bad enough. I know I am different. You guys fucking want me to believe I am the same as you all. Bullshit. Perhaps you all are just laughing behind me, how manipulable I am. Some huge conspiracy? Now somehow, I want to end myself, I can't, thanks to all of you hypocrites, somehow.

I put in my blood, sweat, tears, in short, everything. You gave me a promotion. You recognized me for my contribution? I don't think so. Everyone else got the rank. How am I supposed to feel that I earned it? So you are telling me, all that I have put in, is almost the same as nothing? You tell me, the hours I put into practice yielded the same standard as those dumb fucks? Then why the fuck, did I put in so much in the first place? So I could feel content inside? Bullshit. I fucking hate you.

Damn

I miss her

I make the right moves, but I'm lost within

Yeap. I have no idea what's going on anymore. I've had it. The words I say just hurt myself, no idea why. I make myself look like a total ass, or something along those lines. What can I still do? I have no idea. One step at a time? Even that is hard......

The extreme

There. I have done it. Wanted to delete, but just deactivated instead. My mind gets more and more retarded by the minute.

Just a mere sight of something barely related and I just flare up. Why? I have no idea anymore. Just need to see she was online, boom. Instant flare up. Why why why. Then a whole lot of thoughts, totally impossible come out. I still think of myself as a fucking hero. What the fuck am I? Nothing.

And my mind goes on and on and on and on. The fucking dumb thoughts. And the assumptions. And the imaginations. And the conclusions. It. Messes. Me. Up. Terribly. I. Just. Want. To. BREAK. OUT. OF. IT!

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real, I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long......

Ambivalent

I really don't know how to describe myself these few days. Perhaps I'm just lazy to?

Letting go is difficult alright. Been a long time. And desire comes right back at you every time. I know the desire causes suffering, but yet my mind does not want to let go of it? Weird. Wednesday is gonna be screwed. Basically the same stressed condition in class in front of everyone, only this time, in No. 4 lol. GG.

In the past I feel sad for obvious reasons. Now I just feel unexplained sorrow all the time. Most of the time. Still, one thing I learnt is that I don;t depend much on technology. Really. There's nothing my mother can confiscate from me lol. Even if she took away my phone, I'd feel no different.

Unexplained feelings are extremely vexing.

-.-

Life is getting more and more ridiculous. I don't even know what to type anymore.

Changed

I don't understand why it has to be like this. I have a family who cares for me so much. They do everything they can to make me feel happy. Yet, they never understand the problem when I tell them what it is. Don't really blame them, they're just simple people leading simple lives, yet somehow they have such a complicated son =/

Friends. Haha. I don't deserve any one of them now. What I have been doing are just failed attempts of poaching. Poaching is underhand, and I even failed at them. Beyond epic fail.

Depression, mania, depression, mania, depression. Scary. Seems so alike I'm a case of bipolar now. No wonder those people don't like me. Ignore me. In the first place I "poached" them, and now I irritate them.

What. The. Fuck.

Really?

I just don't fit in anywhere do I. Can't seem to find anywhere. So I really am that different? Funny thing I should be so ostracized.

All because I know more, I see things in a clearer light. Then no one wants to be near me. Is what I see really in a clearer light? Or is it that everyone else has seen something only I haven't seen? Or perhaps even better, I have only projected the image in my mind that I have seen things in a clearer light? And that all I have thought I was was just fake?

Either of the truth will seriously hurt, and only one will be right. Should I really hope I have always been right? While I live in a world where everything I did was deemed wrong and unacceptable? Perhaps the world really is just sheer suffering, and I'd have to wait till nirvana to find true peace? Not really, I see everyone around me, most of them, all already leading happy lives.

Family is great. But doesn't feel enough. Nothing ever feels great enough. Am I being to ambitious? Do I yearn for too much? Perhaps I have. Yet I do not see myself as such. But then where is all this suffering feeling coming from? Even if it isn't my fault, how can I ever live with it?

Hmm

There I go again. What did I do? Not too sure too. Feeling now =/

Gosh. What a way to interpret something. I don't even know the full picture. And yet I am jumping to totally far-fetched conclusions. But yet, I make myself believe the conclusions are true? Seriously hell of screwed feeling. Sorry for laughing at your nightmare in the previous post.

And once again, I agree to do something I don't want to. Fucking ghillie suit. Costs a fucking bomb, and loads of effort, not to mention time. I have tests. And a national examination. And I am making a fucking ghillie suit? Income is tight, and I have to pay for it myself? Total bull. Question is, why the fuck did I agree in the first place......

Yep. The level tests. I spent the whole holiday on worthless idle. Only towards the end I realise everything I should have realised since P5. Life is awesome. People learn at different paces, but is mine really that slow? Next year is going to be a nightmare.

Life is still full of suffering around. What have I understood? Not much in reality. I was living in one huge lie, told by myself. Now life is taking a huge turn. Right before the 'O'. Nice.

:)

Don't know why, but there's a feeling of bliss inside me, all of a sudden.

Message to you:

I have no idea why you worry so much. Poor thing :( Sometimes I feel you worry more than me. Which is bad. Worry about everyone hating you? Haha, thats cute! But so wrong. Meh, who am I to say that, I worry a lot too. Well, it was hard finding you, and I swear, I shall never, ever hate you for no apparent reason. One should always count one's blessings, and you, are one of mine :D

Yep, not gonna reveal who that is. Though that person should know if he/she sees this.