The extreme

There. I have done it. Wanted to delete, but just deactivated instead. My mind gets more and more retarded by the minute.

Just a mere sight of something barely related and I just flare up. Why? I have no idea anymore. Just need to see she was online, boom. Instant flare up. Why why why. Then a whole lot of thoughts, totally impossible come out. I still think of myself as a fucking hero. What the fuck am I? Nothing.

And my mind goes on and on and on and on. The fucking dumb thoughts. And the assumptions. And the imaginations. And the conclusions. It. Messes. Me. Up. Terribly. I. Just. Want. To. BREAK. OUT. OF. IT!

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real, I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long......

Ambivalent

I really don't know how to describe myself these few days. Perhaps I'm just lazy to?

Letting go is difficult alright. Been a long time. And desire comes right back at you every time. I know the desire causes suffering, but yet my mind does not want to let go of it? Weird. Wednesday is gonna be screwed. Basically the same stressed condition in class in front of everyone, only this time, in No. 4 lol. GG.

In the past I feel sad for obvious reasons. Now I just feel unexplained sorrow all the time. Most of the time. Still, one thing I learnt is that I don;t depend much on technology. Really. There's nothing my mother can confiscate from me lol. Even if she took away my phone, I'd feel no different.

Unexplained feelings are extremely vexing.

-.-

Life is getting more and more ridiculous. I don't even know what to type anymore.

Changed

I don't understand why it has to be like this. I have a family who cares for me so much. They do everything they can to make me feel happy. Yet, they never understand the problem when I tell them what it is. Don't really blame them, they're just simple people leading simple lives, yet somehow they have such a complicated son =/

Friends. Haha. I don't deserve any one of them now. What I have been doing are just failed attempts of poaching. Poaching is underhand, and I even failed at them. Beyond epic fail.

Depression, mania, depression, mania, depression. Scary. Seems so alike I'm a case of bipolar now. No wonder those people don't like me. Ignore me. In the first place I "poached" them, and now I irritate them.

What. The. Fuck.

Really?

I just don't fit in anywhere do I. Can't seem to find anywhere. So I really am that different? Funny thing I should be so ostracized.

All because I know more, I see things in a clearer light. Then no one wants to be near me. Is what I see really in a clearer light? Or is it that everyone else has seen something only I haven't seen? Or perhaps even better, I have only projected the image in my mind that I have seen things in a clearer light? And that all I have thought I was was just fake?

Either of the truth will seriously hurt, and only one will be right. Should I really hope I have always been right? While I live in a world where everything I did was deemed wrong and unacceptable? Perhaps the world really is just sheer suffering, and I'd have to wait till nirvana to find true peace? Not really, I see everyone around me, most of them, all already leading happy lives.

Family is great. But doesn't feel enough. Nothing ever feels great enough. Am I being to ambitious? Do I yearn for too much? Perhaps I have. Yet I do not see myself as such. But then where is all this suffering feeling coming from? Even if it isn't my fault, how can I ever live with it?

Hmm

There I go again. What did I do? Not too sure too. Feeling now =/

Gosh. What a way to interpret something. I don't even know the full picture. And yet I am jumping to totally far-fetched conclusions. But yet, I make myself believe the conclusions are true? Seriously hell of screwed feeling. Sorry for laughing at your nightmare in the previous post.

And once again, I agree to do something I don't want to. Fucking ghillie suit. Costs a fucking bomb, and loads of effort, not to mention time. I have tests. And a national examination. And I am making a fucking ghillie suit? Income is tight, and I have to pay for it myself? Total bull. Question is, why the fuck did I agree in the first place......

Yep. The level tests. I spent the whole holiday on worthless idle. Only towards the end I realise everything I should have realised since P5. Life is awesome. People learn at different paces, but is mine really that slow? Next year is going to be a nightmare.

Life is still full of suffering around. What have I understood? Not much in reality. I was living in one huge lie, told by myself. Now life is taking a huge turn. Right before the 'O'. Nice.

:)

Don't know why, but there's a feeling of bliss inside me, all of a sudden.

Message to you:

I have no idea why you worry so much. Poor thing :( Sometimes I feel you worry more than me. Which is bad. Worry about everyone hating you? Haha, thats cute! But so wrong. Meh, who am I to say that, I worry a lot too. Well, it was hard finding you, and I swear, I shall never, ever hate you for no apparent reason. One should always count one's blessings, and you, are one of mine :D

Yep, not gonna reveal who that is. Though that person should know if he/she sees this.