Now what?

Times have changed. Again. Similar, though not the same, are the problems I face now. Plus, positive mindset is "slightly" affected by some other things. Whee.

Things work out in very funny ways. Very funny......

Though today, I was greatly humbled. One a scholar, one a sports man. Then what am I......

I always seem to go for the impossible. Why do I...... Make the best out of what you have in life? I don't even seem to have anything to make the best of......

Lost......

Lots have changed since the previous blog post...... and for the worse. I, or rather, we, believed we were dead. But now, we value each other more than our mortality (I suppose we do, and I would wish to, but somehow, I just can't make that promise...... Just too weak......).

Backstab is a real pain in the ass. Especially when you trusted someone so much...... But you never know how the opposite party truly feels. He might just be worse off than you......

In dangerous moments when you ever know what the next move would take you to, you heart never stops beating......

1st day, new beginning

First day of school (as a happy kid XD). Kinda ok.

Started off in the morning with horrid songs on 987FM but then, at ATS bus-stop, saw a familiar face...... and she noticed me to ^^. Usually whatever happens in the morning on my way to school hints me on how the rest of the day will be like, and that gave a small sign of hope.

Then the actual school, not as bad as expected :P EL worksheets were under table, right where I left them. School now sells pandan cake, best thing there, BUT FREAKING EXPENSIVE D: Kinda slack day today :)

Still kinda sucks though, but never mind, we start off slow. Today was so slack that I did not even learn anything. Seriously. Except "Sum of E.M.F. = Sum of total P.D." Mass was, well, I think most of you understand me anyway. Kind of wasted my day......

At least now, there is something to look forward to everyday! (almost everyday......)

Monday: SLACCCKK!

Tuesday: P.E.

Wednesday: Sometimes look forward to training

Thursday: Every alternate got chemistry tuition (although starting to hate it now......)

Friday: Same as with training......

Saturday: HCL tuition was not bad, now its better :D

Sunday: Obviously Wing Chun (and now with Andre) and probably biology tuition as well

Joke.

Funny things happened since I started being happier. With the notable, improvements in life (which I believe are purely coincidental) and giving up on the past, I now face a new problem :O.

What is it? Well, being so happy loosened me up so much that I don't even feel like doing work :P Screwing CA2 SPA, bad, not doing my duties properly, worse. Mrs Yeo gave me worksheet for class to do in her absence tomorrow. So where is the worksheet? I don't really know either XD. 3E can now rejoice at my sorrow......

I now believe a fondness is now evolving into a light crush. Bad...... Must take preventive measures. Any tips? Haven't got her contacts yet. Should I in the first place?

Opposing that, I just saw the worst thing ever in A-Math tuition yesterday :( Can you imagine, a girl wearing a translucent shirt? Any guys fantasizing now? WELL DON'T. I'LL TELL YOU WHY. Its a fat fugly bitch, wearing a bra so tight that it squeezes her fats into it, and I could actually see that. First thing come to class I shiver already, making some disgusted expressions once in awhile. Later I noticed what bottom she had. She probably squeezed her fat thighs into a small pair of shorts...... Sick......

Change. For the better?

Awesome, I'm feeling better than ever! (or better than I could ever remembered) Change in views, more free, all thanks to someone totally unexpected...... TSETSE FLY! XD

Tsetse sent me an e-card, attached to it was a video:

So, why aim for the best? Thing that struck me: "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything." All this time, I've been fighting for Staff rank, RI, HCL, Pure Chemistry etc. If, I can't get them, then get make do with what you can get. (Though I would still really want the Staff rank :P)

Same theory, I can't get love out of ____. So what? I'll just be grateful there was even a friendship between us and treasure it. I can't get RI, so I'll make do with the things MSHS can give me but RI can't. (Though RI could really give me much more D:) I can't get pure chemistry, but still, combined chemistry isn't THAT bad (is it?), and I can still get to enjoy combined biology :D

Things that lightened me up, well, there are quite a few. Firstly, TSETSE. Enough said bout that fly, I have other friends too :D All stood by me in my darkest times (except one who led me the wrong way D:< ) HCL tuition, from the lonely me, into a class of 2 with a new nice girl :D (AND ITS NOT A CRUSH. Seriously, what is wrong with you people) Change of songs played a huge part too :D Thank you youtube, for your somewhat copyright infringing selection of songs.

I still question my existence, but who cares? Don't need my for my specialties? Well, thats your problem, I'm now more free. As time goes by, the question will be answered. Until then, I can cry my eyes out in hopes of it coming sooner, or I can make the best out of what I have.

Why I play myself this way......

"Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown will eventually break down" I myself am near my breaking point. Day by day, I gradually lose control of myself. Why do I always have to start off great then everything ends horribly......

One occurrence was PSLE...... Past 3 terms I did so well...... Then the real thing came and I fucked up. Bad. RI was a dream, MSHS was the hurtful reality...... BULL. Everyone else (mostly everyone else) went to some great place, NYGH, HCI, RGS. All due to my shitty destiny. Inferiority can limit you so much......

I was born to fuck everything up I tell you...... 2nd time was streaming. I did not even aim triple science. I saw the criteria for double science. I easily meet the criteria. I continued to work hard. And it paid off. With more crap. Did not even make it to 1 Science. At least, they gave me a chance, in fact, 2 chances, one to take a pure science and one to upgrade to two sciences. I screwed up the latter (all due to my own crap) and it didn't even matter for fuck that I got 3rd in class then. Criteria fail? Humanities...... Get to that later.

Now, I find myself in 3 Edward. Kind of loving it here, but it just adds up to all the shit I have in my mind...... CHAIRMAN XD Sounds nice? Well, its just a title, and I mean it. Basically, I do stuff people don't want to. Its like a councilor only shittier. My authority is for fuck, and stuff I do, waste of time. Really, really, REALLY wanted to resign, like some have told me, but what others said, I was probably the only one in class who could take the shit. Which brings me back to the topic of living to be nothing but a piece of shit......

Catching up with the grades in the past is hard shit now. 1st in class? In my mind, I keep telling myself its nothing. When 3E finds out? Not so nice sounding words come out. I have stress making me become better and stress making me become more like the crowd. Now THAT is stress......

Head S2. Sounds nice again eh? Same deal. Just sounds nice. Training, all I do is carry the kit and look after slackers. No one even listens to me when some serious shit happens. They want to do things themselves. Which once again bring me to the point of why am I here? All the SM, PS, or whatever just want the name then they do all shit? S2 is just made to make the unit sound complete?

Why even bother improving myself now...... You asses would just continue to surpass me anyway......

Realisation

Not bad. Realised some serious shit today. Shan't talk about it unless you ask me, its too depressing......

I'm 15, but I have the mind of a kid. Yea, I hate it when I lie to myself...... What in the world is making me think I still have a chance with her? What is it that makes me want to study SO hard? But yet I can't? Time will tell...... I hope.

Mind of a kid has its good points too. Loving collecting models, but not as hard as Gundam bah...... Wasted so much money on that shit. Now on the hunt for Stikfas and Warhammer 40k ^^ Anyone plays can teach me stuff? I'm still new. (Haven't even started :P)

I already asked myself. What do I like in her? I was unable to answer myself, yet I am also unable to let go of her...... Maybe I'll find one convenient day and trash it out with relevant people...... Even if it means hurting myself bad......

Oh yea, its Warhammer 40k! Still can't decide which faction is my favourite...... Though I know which factions I don't like :P Anyone plays or collects 40k? Knows where to get in SG? Come on, at least 1 person?

She's probably already annoyed to death by me, but I still can't forget siol...... So many people put me down, still can't forget siol...... Even she herself gave me hint, I STILL CAN'T FORGET. This is just too wrong.

Why am I even alternating between 40k and her sia? Weird......

Recollection

Past memories are bad enough. Now compared to the life of others, I can't help but wonder, why...... No offense to anyone I make a comparison with, envy you all, but no hate......

24th February, 1 day before SS CA1, FSD training under hot sun, ate shit, ignored by most who should have talked to me. 17th July, She knows what is going on, her busy period will probably be just over, its a weekend and probably free, and last time I actually talked to her, she was rich, so she won't eat shit. Significance of the dates? 24th February was my birthday...... Stressed to the max, train till sick before exam, failed SS, last for FSD, paid for doctor for nothing. Came home to a $20 piece of "chocolate cake". Wishes from few people. Not even enough to fill my wall...... No gifts. At all. Her? Well, she's got so much attention from her friends, already got gifts before the day, nothing much will bother her, and probably no shit for her consumption. Yup, 17th is her birthday......

Training a few months ago, I came. 2 others did not. All 3 of us were marksmen. I got my badge first. They got their badge yesterday. Problem? Mine was broken and dirty. Theirs were new and shiny, and got recognition for it. I came for that extra training and the badge I got was shittier than theirs. How fair......

SM: Confessed to by 3. Me: None. Either I seriously suck, out of luck, or no one seriously gives a fuck about me. Its even possible its all 3...... I'm not that seriously in need of a relationship (unless, you know). All I want is just the recognition......

Triple sciences vs 1 Pure Ratio is fucked. Their lives are supposed to be much more stressed, but yet mine sucks much more than theirs...... Worst part is, I was supposed to be amongst some of the best of them...... How is that even possible?

I've taken class chairman shit for 1 and a half years now. I got class chairman respect for about 1 week total. Didn't learn my lesson in Primary school...... Unlike some other chairmen who somehow have an easy job......

"Hope is the first step to disappointment" Completely agree. 8 years of hope has turned into a life time of shit for me. Poorly planned everything...... Funny thing is, people had so much more hope than me, why am I the only one taking the shit?

今天才刚发现可怕的真相，我一点都不是什么好汉，是个小人，我怨恨无知者。。。。。。

I really want to know why the people pissing me off are doing it unintentionally, and why I can hate some of them for doing so......

Some of the things I mentioned are little. I act like I'm not bothered but they actually irk

me so much......

Life......

Everything, well, almost everything, is reminding me of the shit that I have.

Growing tall? Good for you, I grew shorter and its just a sign of imminent "death".

Screwed a simple oral topic? Deja Vu......

Can't stop thinking of the same person for years? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Just a visit to a profile ends up with hours of browsing photos and imagining unwanted scenarios in head. FML

Didn't get to NDP or SYFOC or whatever, and disgraced myself in FSD, right......

If drills sucked so much, PT is nowhere near great. 2 years and I haven't accomplished shit...... Disgrace to the corps......

Far from the subject combination wanted, partly school's fault, mostly mine......

241+2, most screwed shit ever...... Now first in class, so what......

Insults all around, both intentional and unintentional......

Long time never threaten with separation already. Now, what the FUCK?

Just screw me now... Remembered all these in 1 day...

Effed up day...

Well, yea. Pretty much everything I predicted happened. At least I didn't have to see that shitty performance. Food was good until I got home and thought about how much I actually ate...... Still got maths homework to do, leaving that till I actually have the mood now......

After eating, some rather fucked up things happened. They brought me to cotton on (or whatever). They forced me to buy something, though I liked nothing. The worst shit happened in the dressing room...... Shall not write it out......

Of the whole day, only 3 and a half hours were well spent. 2 hours of Wing Chun, learn lots of cool shit today, mostly leg techniques. 1 and a half hours of BIOLOGY TUITION :D. TOPIC FUN.

Physics tuition was spent doing some wavelengths shit, don't even understand it well. Not even my topic yet, so why am I learning it so early......

Tomorrow "O" level CL oral, completely forsaken it already. I simply won't have what it takes to do HCL next year, so why bother......

Then someone came and typed a message. "Fools if infatuation will grow to become slaves of love." Fully knowing how fucked up the consequences of infatuation may be, I still can't let go of her......

So sad, I'm imagining lots of MSN and Facebook chat sounds. What will become of the days ahead......

July 10th 2.... Arh to hell with the date format

Can't be bothered much anymore. Seriously. You all give me shit, fine. I shall give you back the same quality of work.

I work my ass off 6 days a week and i can't even have the 7th to relax. Worse is, you don't use that day to make me study. You use it to cramp me with tuitions, then bring me to see some fucking baby on stage doing some random shit which will screw up, then fatten me up with some ridiculously priced dinner. Worst thing is, you told me this just today, and the fucked up day is tomorrow. Like I don't have enough problems in my life...... Life is harsh? So harsh I cant even have just a few hours of rest a week? I am doomed to fail? I planned everything, you are screwing with my plan, and you say I plot my own demise? Working 6 days a week is so much better than you sitting in front of your computer everyday then eat then sleep then send us to places. Thats it. Think you know my life and how to lead it? Think again......

Lady is pissing me off badly but then moments later I find what she does cute. How am I ever going to get her out of my fucking mind? Not being disrespectful to her at all, just that my mind seems badly fucked from it...... To you, if you happen to read this and you know who you are, don't worry about it at all. Just lead your life normally......

Workloads increase, but thats nothing much. I can still handle it. AS LONG AS NO ONE FUCKING SCREWS WITH MY SCHEDULE.

Still have that feeling I'm not exactly accepted as a friend...... What the hell...... Nothing from 6B, nothing from 2B, nothing from 3E...... Not just as a friend, even as a family member...... Person who screwed with my schedule was from family...... Person who nagged at me like no one's fucking business over something I was so sure I put in my bag but lost...... Its not like I'm gloating over this incident or did it on purpose right? Self nag in my mind and you add on......

Oral exam on Monday? Well, with all this shit going on, can I concentrate? Obviously not so fuck it already......

Fucked up shit happens, life still goes on...... Give me too much shit, and it will all return to you......