Humbled

Start of E-Maths tuition! Completely not what I expected. Well, could recognise most of the class anyway. One of them, I remember today. Start of the paper, totally screwed. All basics, gone :D Then she did them all with almost no difficulty...... She goes by the name of Kelly, she remembers all (maybe just most) of what she learnt, and uses them properly. Until towards the end when all the equation stuff came out (Marists own at equations), I sat there, struggling. And then four words hit me. Hard in the face. Shall not write out :P The realisation of how I screwed with my thinking, and forsook one of my values, humility.

Another thing I discovered, I get really, REALLY screwed emotionally when I can't do math questions I am expected to be able to do. Seriously screwed. I think some have seen it in school, but today, it was at its worst. Still, today I had the best control over it :o I kept it in me, AND IT FREAKING THRASHED AROUND IN MY HEAD. WIN. Shall call it Doubt Rage.

And also, since Ms Chan STILL has not started on my circles, and Ms Yoon can't teach for nuts, I decided to consult Heymath, and you know what? Its better than Yoon. Seriously. Since I never had E-maths tuition, I myself was already very unsure about circles. Listening to her, causes many occurrences of BHD (Bang Head Syndrome), my Doubt Rage, a hell lot of Inferiority Complex, and even a very mild Schizophrenia I suspect (fuck that). Caused me to resort to self harm, self hatred, and made me distort the truth from lies (which I still do GARH).

Stress build up has caused me to act differently from my old self, and I feel much better in some aspects. Though I have a bad feeling it comes with negative effects......

Epic change

You can certainly see a drastic change in me now. Much happier, much sadder. But, at the cost? Which was better......

Academics. Its like I don't give a fuck anymore. I wonder why. Sudden change of heart. "Education is number 1, must own primary school friends, must graduate PhD" Now its "Screw it la, never mind one, I can still do things." I never de-prove for SA2 I happy already. But, being me, I think the worst of everything, and I can tell, it pisses some off. A lot of people have woken up to reality, still not me......

New circle of friends, new way to look at life. Huge boost to morale and confidence, but consequences? See above. Not sure what to do now......

A letter

I'm Jun Teck, a boy from Singapore, 15 this year. Life isn't going too

smoothly for me, nor my peers. That seems normal, but, what I face is

somewhat different from them. They all seem so caught up with academics

that they don't really see the big picture, which is how I see things. (I think?)

Academics are a problem. My friends seem to be working hard just to please

their parents, but I do so to improve myself. I always have been the top few

in class, and everyone says I'm doing well, but I always feel I am not. Especially

since I saw much potential in my earlier years, I always challenged myself to get

better. However, I constantly beat myself up at the fact that I am not doing as

well as I should be, and I am aware of that, but I just won't stop.

One problem leads to others though. My friends have been calling me a hypocrite,

a bastard, trying to make them feel bad about their grades. As such, they drift

further and further away, and I am slowly finding myself alone. I look for new

friends, but they all seem to have a dislike towards me. Even my family, facing

problem after problem, seem to hate me. I barely have anyone to talk to now.

Well, its good to know I have you guys now :)

These few days, I think to myself, what will I do with my life. Then I see that

there is nothing much I can do, so I went to look for my purpose. The search

got more and more frustrating, and I feel a sense of helplessness simply

overwhelming me.

This was a letter I wrote to a great guy named Vishen, creater of an awesome group to help others with personal growth. This is the first time I compiled so many thoughts into one writing :P

AND HOMEWORK ARGH. HAVENT STARTED EVEN NOW.

Assistance

Another life truth. Another enlightenment. Another step to victory.

Through my life so far, I've rendered assistance to many. Many undeserving. Few potentials. And many more remain unknown. I was thinking why I help those who harm me, even though they don't see my effort. Today, it struck me. Those that I enjoyed helping, really needed the help, and appreciated it. Those whom I didn't, kind of treated me like shit until they needed help, and some don't even take it seriously. Now I know, I will judge who I want to help. I realised this, seeing a familiar face today :) Though I never really helped her before, seeing her sitting there, doing work, and with a smile, makes me wanna try to help anyway (maybe I'm wrong, don't know what she may be thinking but hey, intuition). Through her, I had this, "epiphany".

Flow of Thoughts

Fine. Fine. Everyone did me wrong, but its nobody's fault. I agree, so the only person I can blame, is myself, for taking others so serious. I just want to live seriously, with just a small bit of fun, when everyone just takes it as a joke. When I'm serious, everyone is fooling around, screwing with my plan. When I'm having my little bit of fun, everything starts to get serious, and its all my fault when something goes wrong. Perhaps it is, perhaps its not. Regardless, things go the opposite of how I expect them to go. Seems like the higher entity is making a mockery out of me. The restraints of laws leave me unable to show my extreme emotions, the violent intent, the lustful urges, the thieving instincts, all kept under the face I show to every single person, tricking their simple minds I am satisfied with life. Well, blessed is the mind too small for doubt. They take what they see, and don't have to worry about it. My mind is full of doubt. All thanks to that vivid imagination I have. Able to think, beyond a lot of people. Best friends can see something I wrong, while others believe the fake smile. I fake smiles. Sometimes I show that something is wrong. But no one can read through the smile. I cried for nights, wondering why I don't have a best friend, and then it struck me. I didn't need one. Neither did I really need my friends, subordinates, family. As I lived my life, I simply took what I needed from them. No one will care for you. I cried over that too. Then I realised, since no one cared for me, I had to care for myself. With no care, there is no one to care back. I used to sacrifice a lot from myself, hoping that people would appreciate it. Then I realised, no one would, no matter how it benefitted them, so I limited myself. Life is like a war, you fight for yourself, and sometimes you get allies called friends, but no alliance lasts forever. Also, all warfare is deception. A thousand more thoughts flow through me, but I shall not post, lest you know too much about me, and use it against me...

Don't know what to say......

So nobody comes here anymore. Nonetheless, I will still use it to keep track of my life.

A whole lot of things are messing with my life now. I roughly know what, but not exactly what, so I can't do what I used to do and attack the root of the problem. What I feel...... Is that age old enemy of mine. Helplessness. Now its coming on me harder than it ever did, and I feel helpless just not knowing what my problems exactly are.

There is an issue with social life, an issue with achieving goals, an issue with self-confidence, an issue with self worth, and an issue with character. Thats what I know. All this coming in to just one point in my life. What do you expect? I hide them all, to cover my weaknesses, and now, they just pour out. The harder I fight, the harder it resists.

I am no longer afraid to say this. I cry almost every night, I punch anything I can get my hands on, I slap myself, and now, I start knocking my head. This is not a matter of usefulness or not, it just comes. I feel myself, thinking unthinkable thoughts, thoughts I never thought I would have. Selfish, cruel, and even evil. I am no longer afraid to list them out too. I've had thoughts of, okay, maybe I still don't dare list them out online. Its just so hard......

For your info, I've been fighting with everything I have so far. It doesn't solve it, but it does help. A little. I used to thrive on the encouragements of many others but then, I realised the horrific truth. No one is 100% your ally. You have to rely on yourself to judge what is right and what is wrong. Help others only when you get the most you can. Help only those who will genuinely accept it. Make sure you helping them will not do yourself harm. Life is like a war. Everyone fights to best each other, and temporary allies will form. Sun Tzu: "All warfare is deception." How true......

I've had a few sleepless nights over all these matters, more lethargic days, and even more mental tire. In my mind, the good are having a war with the bad. Prolonged war does not benefit anyone, so it must stop soon. Losing focus, quality of work, and even to the extent, my grip on reality. It must stop. All the morally wrong thoughts should be expelled, lest I harm any of those I truly care for. My mind must be clear of doubt, thought cleansed of filth. I don't know exactly how, but I will......