Don't know what to say......

So nobody comes here anymore. Nonetheless, I will still use it to keep track of my life.

A whole lot of things are messing with my life now. I roughly know what, but not exactly what, so I can't do what I used to do and attack the root of the problem. What I feel...... Is that age old enemy of mine. Helplessness. Now its coming on me harder than it ever did, and I feel helpless just not knowing what my problems exactly are.

There is an issue with social life, an issue with achieving goals, an issue with self-confidence, an issue with self worth, and an issue with character. Thats what I know. All this coming in to just one point in my life. What do you expect? I hide them all, to cover my weaknesses, and now, they just pour out. The harder I fight, the harder it resists.

I am no longer afraid to say this. I cry almost every night, I punch anything I can get my hands on, I slap myself, and now, I start knocking my head. This is not a matter of usefulness or not, it just comes. I feel myself, thinking unthinkable thoughts, thoughts I never thought I would have. Selfish, cruel, and even evil. I am no longer afraid to list them out too. I've had thoughts of, okay, maybe I still don't dare list them out online. Its just so hard......

For your info, I've been fighting with everything I have so far. It doesn't solve it, but it does help. A little. I used to thrive on the encouragements of many others but then, I realised the horrific truth. No one is 100% your ally. You have to rely on yourself to judge what is right and what is wrong. Help others only when you get the most you can. Help only those who will genuinely accept it. Make sure you helping them will not do yourself harm. Life is like a war. Everyone fights to best each other, and temporary allies will form. Sun Tzu: "All warfare is deception." How true......

I've had a few sleepless nights over all these matters, more lethargic days, and even more mental tire. In my mind, the good are having a war with the bad. Prolonged war does not benefit anyone, so it must stop soon. Losing focus, quality of work, and even to the extent, my grip on reality. It must stop. All the morally wrong thoughts should be expelled, lest I harm any of those I truly care for. My mind must be clear of doubt, thought cleansed of filth. I don't know exactly how, but I will......